Ramblings

Roll over: Watch as dreams pass you by.

Stand: Motionless and cold.

Salute: Character's procession.

Retain: Emotion's confession.

Pressurize: Luxurious decay.

Wait: As your dreams delay.


Inspiration: Genesis and truth.

Manipulation: Addicted and used.

Reprobation: Dead from abuse.

Separation: Remove you from you.

Dedication: A new hope to peruse.

Creation: A new you, imbued.


Hope: Nothing left to lose.

Hope: No one left to choose.

Hope: Embodied. Anew.

Hope: Living sinew.

Hope: Spoken. Mused.

Hope: Jesus, the True.

Gratefulness

I write a lot about melancholy things. It's mostly because I am self-absorbed and...well, melancholy.

I find it easy to express my thoughts and emotions concerning life's twists and turns. However, I have been challenged this year to think differently. The see my life and the world from the point of view of gratefulness.

I never thought myself to be an ungrateful person- although I knew that I could very easily be a negative one. I am not sure anyone makes a conscious decision to become ungrateful. However, little by little it is easy to feel like the victim of cosmic circumstances. This is not a defense of such actions, merely a statement that the road to ungratefulness is subtle, easy and strangely comforting.

In fairness, I feel like I have plenty of things to feel aggrieved about UNTIL I step back and actually take stock of my life. I'm 35 and single, I live by myself and regularly feel the vivid and bitter sting of loneliness, for seven years I couldn't talk to people or make new friendships and I still have no clear or purposeful vision for my future.

Of course, that's one way to look at it. I'm 35 and single, due to which I have been able to travel the world, live in foreign countries and invest in the pursuit of personal goals. I live by myself, meaning I own my own home (well the bank does) which I really like and have furnished it to suit my lifestyle and hobbies. I feel the vivid and bitter sting of loneliness, okay that sucks but maybe it's time I stepped out and allowed people into my life (and heart) again- it's my turn to initiate. I couldn't make friends for seven years, but I can now. I still have no clear or purposeful vision for my future, in other words- the world is my oyster, where would I like to go.

I'm grateful for the life I live. Yeah some things are tough but the opportunities plentiful. Yeah I lost my way and was easily seduced to walk the path of ungratefulness but I can see that now. So I only really have one question left to ask:

Where does my joy come from?

I don't have a fully formed answer for that one yet. The Christian in me wants to say it comes from the Lord but I really want to mean it if that is going to be my confession.

Where does your joy come from?

The Power of God

The power of God.

What does that term mean to you?

Is it an abstract thought? An intangible idea?

Is it an experience attached to a story? A reality that cannot be described, only testified to?

Is it something that guides your life? An irresistible force that directs your path?

Is it your punisher? The evidence of a God who seeks to destroy?

I can identify with each of these thoughts concerning the power of God. I wanted the power of God to be like a genie at my disposal. I wanted to be able to say 'go' and it would make straight my paths. Instead God's power has been one that has sort to bring about the will of God in my life rather than my will. I know what it looks like to ask for its help but see it forsake me. I know what it is like to walk after it has paved a way. I know what it is like to experience it irrevocably, magnificently and astoundingly change a person's life. I know what it is to lose faith in it. I know what it is to walk without it.

Of course, you cannot separate the power from the person. The power is in the person. Walking without the power of God is to walk without him.

How do you lose faith and hope in one who has given you so much to believe and hope in?

The answer is simple. Place them in something or someone other than him.

It turns out I make a crap god. Who knew I was so powerless?

Feeling powerless? Perhaps your faith and hope are sitting in the wrong person too.

The Cost of Faith

Faith.

It is a word that gets thrown around a lot in Christianity. It's a word that hit my heart heavily tonight.

I lost something tonight. Something that hit my heart deeply. Something that will take me a while to move on from.

I had very little to do with how things happened and I am powerless to change the consequences of the outcome. I have no control to exert and no situations can be manipulated to lead to there being less pain in my heart.

I can only have faith.

Faith that this latest flattening of my heart is not descriptive of my character. Faith that God has an orchestrated plan for my heart and that trusting him is the wisest decision I can make. Faith that I am worth knowing and loving.

In truth I hate needing to have faith. I'd prefer needing to rely on myself...or at least my over blown view of my competence.

Instead, I sit here hurting, crying and questioning all because I had the faith to believe that God could be good to me again. I'll do it all again soon too. God is good, my pain does not dictate that.

Feelings

Feeling.

What an over-hyped experience. It should be called "erratic- the way to become a freaking lunatic".

How do feeling personalities handle such engulfing but changeable things?

At my heart, I am fairly sure I am a feeling personality. At my worst, I am a controlling, thinking personality.

I used to feel a lot. It used to scared me but not in the gut-wrenching, horrifically overpowering way it currently does. I feel as though I am a man standing on a beach as the tidal wave of my emotions sweeps over me. I want to stand strong, be steadfast and respond with thought and insight but instead I get swept up and inevitably vomit my irrational fears over whoever is close enough to hear it.

One minute I'm happy, the next, I'm frustrated. The next, I'm hating life because I can't eat 4000 calories a day and get away with it anymore. I then watch a video of a refugee girl who has lost her father because of war and I cry a little.

It was much easier to just not feel.

It was also incredibly empty, lonely and loveless.

No good thing comes without a cost. No love comes without risk.

I guess it's time to ante up.

Tidal waves and explosive outbursts here I come....I feel like crying right now.

Wrong?

Have you ever felt as though you were just the wrong person?

I don't mean in the sense where one person feels they should be the opposite gender or where they want to be someone else. I mean in the sense that you just never feel as though you belong to any particular social/people group.

Please understand me correctly, I actually quite like who I am. This feeling comes from a sense of disconnection.

The best way I can put it is this: I feel as though our society values a set of characteristics and attributes that simply I do not possess.

I want to be clear. I am not blaming society, nor am I trying to get people to feel sorry for me. For perfect transparency, I do actually possess some of these qualities- just not in spades. Every time I express these qualities I feel as though I am putting on a mask in order to play to societal expectations. I abhor such a game.

Part of me wonders if I end up removing those qualities from my repertoire just because I hate the game more than I want to be liked. Part of me wonders if I hate the game because I find being these qualities incredibly vulnerable and would prefer to paint myself as a plucky, back to the wall outsider who is trying to buck the odds.

Maybe you have felt as though you were the wrong person, but have you stopped to wonder if you feel that way because your own beliefs and thinking have sabotaged your identity?

It turns out, I'm not the wrong person.

I'm just not the person I want myself to be.

An Incoherent Return

It has been a while friends.

I stopped to address a greater need. It is still not completely resolved but I can write again....it may, however, take some time to get back into the flow.

Here are my raw thoughts tonight:

I find positive emotions difficult to express. This is why my posts are mostly reflective or critical. I don't understand how people can be so visibly happy or joyful or excited. I don't tend to experience strong positive emotions. I cannot help but wonder why.

I find negative emotions easy to express. This is why most of my posts are self-focused and self-obsessed. Every time I feel something it is usually some deep-seated burst of passionate frustration or consternation. I don't tend to experience weak negative emotions. I cannot help but wonder why.

I feel sorry for my students. I like them and want what's best for them but my demeanour and actions don't always back up this intention. The see a guy who is passionate (and I do feel a positive passion for their learning) but who is always frustrated at them. The reality is that I am rarely frustrated at the learner, I am consistently frustrated at my inability to teach them.

I grow tired of good intentions. It is time for good actions.

I grow tired of negative emotions. It is time to express some positive ones.

I grow tired of making excuses. It is time to live by conviction.