Conflict

Conflict is one of those inevitable things in life. At some stage you will have some.

Today was one of those days. It was not a bad thing. It was a disagreement over teaching convictions and teaching practices. The conflict got heated, things were said, people were passionate and then things settled back down. It followed a familiar pattern and in the grand scheme of conflict it was mild. But conflict never seems mild. I think for most people (and definitely for me) there is something highly threatening about it.

Truth be told, I left today's conflict not overly concerned intellectually but distinctly confronted emotionally. I've noticed a trend. Ever since my burn out, I cannot face conflict. And I don't just mean conflict that I am in. If I am in the same room as conflict it makes me feel very threatened, uncomfortable and scared.

One of the great things that has come about as a result of having nothing to give emotionally, is that I realised just how much of a person of feelings I truly am. The flip side of it is that there are certain feelings, certain emotions that cause me a great deal of anxiety. I am unsure as to whether I have felt these emotions before. I feel like I have felt them but they never used to be so heightened or threatening. Conflict sends my heart into overdrive.

There is a belief that I picked up as a result of my time in America. I believed the reason I couldn't get along with people was that there was something wrong with me. That is a harsh, and very false, cross to bear. Conflict challenges this belief. It causes me to regress into believing the reason I am in conflict is because there is something wrong with me. (It can even go so far as to say that other people are in conflict because I was not able to help them solve their issues). Conflict causes me to feel like I am the problem. That, my friends, is a horrible place to be. It means that I have to avoid conflict at all costs, otherwise I am going to be rejected and deemed unlovable. (I am not looking for pity in this, it is simply an expression of how I subconsciously process these strong emotions).

It might be easiest to conclude that life lived in relationship with others is just too hard and something to be avoided if possible. Perhaps I could believe that if it weren't for tonight.

After the events of this day I came home to an empty house. I enjoy solitude but I do not enjoy isolation. The other two people who were in this conflict with me I am sure went home feeling a sense of stress and tension as a result of the day. I certainly did. Each went home with their respective wives and their respective families. Each could debrief the incident and share their thoughts and emotions in a way that helped them to decompress. I came home to my thoughts. The very same thoughts that link conflict with rejection and a lack of worth. My point is not to make you feel sorry for me, my point is that even though it was relationship that caused me hardship, it would have been relationship that helped me to feel human in that conflict. It is in relationship that we get to be challenged, grow and be supported. In this regard I should value the conflict I had today.

Who knows, it might be relationship that teaches me how to see conflict as an opportunity for growth rather than rejection. If that is the case, I might be the one cowering in the corner a few times hoping that the noise in my soul would go away.