Vulnerable

I hate feeling vulnerable.

I'm not talking about being honest and sharing information about myself. I don't find that vulnerable. To me that is connecting with people. I'm talking about standing in a crowd feeling like everything you are is on display. The good, the bad, the ugly and, in my case, unadulterated terror and insecurity.

That's what makes me feel vulnerable. That the judgments I have made against myself, the judgments that if you saw who I truly am, you would not want to connect with me. I think that is why I find it so hard to be in a social setting. I hate masks and really don't want to wear one but letting people see me without one is just too threatening. So maybe my mask is denial and cowardice.

The irony of it all is that I want to be known. I want to connect. More than anything in this world. I can't wear obvious masks and yet trying to connect deeply starts a conversation too intensely. I can't talk about myself honestly without being intense. I can't connect without talking about myself. I don't want lots of connection, I just want a few deep ones. If I'm honest I really want one truly meaningful relationship and some really healthy connections with a few key friendship circles.

Maybe this is too much information. Maybe I'm just an insecure idealist who hopes for the best but expects the worst. Maybe one day I'll meet the right person who loves that I'm intense....maybe.