Handbags and Entitlement

I remember being in a shopping center with my mum when I was a kid. I would only have been about 6 at the time. I was walking with her hanging on to the white handbag she had over her shoulder. As events would have it, I was distracted by something I saw as we were walking and I left my mother's handbag to investigate. Once I had finished my investigation I returned to what I thought was her white handbag. It turns out it was not. I was lost and I got scared very quickly.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I have been lost within myself for the last 5 years. I am a man who thrives on vision and I have had none for a long time now. I have felt very lost and I thought this lack of vision was at the core of my issue. I now realise that assumption was and is wrong.

I thought my burnout (and subsequent behavioural and emotional issues) stole the vision from my life. Now that I am through that I have come to realise that vision is not my problem but rather attitude.

I have really struggled to follow God well and walk with him purely because I simply haven't wanted to. The context is simple. I followed God, it was fun. I followed God some more and it was painful. Following God cost me greatly. That pain shattered my perception of God and, subsequently, myself. I got really angry (without knowing it- strange but true) and decided that although I wanted to follow Him I was not willing to pay the cost anymore until he gave me what I felt I deserved from the last effort. In essence I have been trying to hold God to ransom for 5 years. I'm still there and I'm sure you can guess how that's worked out for me.

So here is the problem. I'm not lost. I'm tired, angry and unwilling to pay the cost of following Jesus obediently. In a part of my heart, I really want to follow Christ but the moment things get hard, I revert back to being a hurt and entitled child.

At the end of my story as a 6 year old, I was trained by mum to find the concierge desk and have them page her. A kind lady helped me find the desk and page my mum. I wish this fear and pain was as easy to deal with.

Sadly, I'm not lost.

I'm discouraged.