Perception

Perception is a strange thing. It is strange for one simple reason- it can be easily altered. Perceptions are like the lenses of a pair of glasses- the lens shapes the image of the world and after a while your brain interprets it as the reality of how the world is.

I work with people who perceive themselves very differently to how I see them. There are some that are incredibly loving, capable and sacrificial who believe themselves to be poor teachers. There are others who are outgoing, verbose and self-obsessed who believe themselves to be the best...human... beings...ever.

The reality, of course, is that both are looking through glasses that are tainted (or at least shaped) by a host of factors.

So here is my question- how does one see themselves rightly? and, is there such a thing as an objective set of criteria by which one might see themselves rightly?

I look at the prevailing philosophy of today which says being yourself and being okay with it is seeing yourself rightly. The problem with such subjectivity is that one does not normally know who they are let alone how to be okay with it. Those who claim being okay with themselves and who 'are just being me' are usually expressively indulgent and/or strangely angry with the world.

I guess I just wonder whether 'being ourselves' is like wearing the same pair of glasses for a long time- we just accept that this is the way things are.

I have one big problem with this view of life- it sucks. I once needed glasses and when I had put on the correct prescription which enabled me to look at the world rightly, I was amazed at how beautiful and clear everything looked. I had become used to an inferior way of viewing the world.

The lenses we wear (and perceptions we have) massively impact our lives.

Psychologists and philosophers alike acknowledge that at our core it is our beliefs that shape our lives. Our beliefs are our lenses. This, of course, opens up a completely new can of worms.

This is why it is vital for the world to have an objective set of beliefs to help us see ourselves rightly.

I can't help but think that maybe we don't like change and really enjoy (need) feeling comfortable wearing our current set of glasses.

Celebration

I think people are meant to be celebrated.

Not all people do things or become things we would want to celebrate but I think all people are meant to be celebrated.

The key question is why. Fortunately for this question there is a simple answer.

God made them in his image. 

It's just easiest to celebrate those who look most like the Jesus we see.

I think all people are meant to be celebrated.

Handbags and Entitlement

I remember being in a shopping center with my mum when I was a kid. I would only have been about 6 at the time. I was walking with her hanging on to the white handbag she had over her shoulder. As events would have it, I was distracted by something I saw as we were walking and I left my mother's handbag to investigate. Once I had finished my investigation I returned to what I thought was her white handbag. It turns out it was not. I was lost and I got scared very quickly.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I have been lost within myself for the last 5 years. I am a man who thrives on vision and I have had none for a long time now. I have felt very lost and I thought this lack of vision was at the core of my issue. I now realise that assumption was and is wrong.

I thought my burnout (and subsequent behavioural and emotional issues) stole the vision from my life. Now that I am through that I have come to realise that vision is not my problem but rather attitude.

I have really struggled to follow God well and walk with him purely because I simply haven't wanted to. The context is simple. I followed God, it was fun. I followed God some more and it was painful. Following God cost me greatly. That pain shattered my perception of God and, subsequently, myself. I got really angry (without knowing it- strange but true) and decided that although I wanted to follow Him I was not willing to pay the cost anymore until he gave me what I felt I deserved from the last effort. In essence I have been trying to hold God to ransom for 5 years. I'm still there and I'm sure you can guess how that's worked out for me.

So here is the problem. I'm not lost. I'm tired, angry and unwilling to pay the cost of following Jesus obediently. In a part of my heart, I really want to follow Christ but the moment things get hard, I revert back to being a hurt and entitled child.

At the end of my story as a 6 year old, I was trained by mum to find the concierge desk and have them page her. A kind lady helped me find the desk and page my mum. I wish this fear and pain was as easy to deal with.

Sadly, I'm not lost.

I'm discouraged.

Stories

When I was burned out I never had anything to talk about. Nothing outside of my own internal torment really happened to me. Even when I was in places where things could potentially occur, I simply kept out of any situation where I could offend someone or they could reject or hurt me. It is a safe game but a dull one.

I've noticed that over the past week I have plenty to talk about in my life now. Strangely though, they all correspond with something that has caused me pain or discomfort.

I have really wanted my life to be more interesting but I didn't realise the key. If you want to be able to talk openly to people about what is going on in your life, you have to be willing to authentically and outwardly participate in the events of your surroundings.

This is not about having good stories to tell. By engaging with those around me and by being willing to express my thoughts and emotions I end up with stories that serve a twofold purpose. A conflict that refines and an acceptance that encourages who I am in this world.

Narrative

It's time to change the narrative of my life.

For too long I have defined myself by the burnout I suffered. It was significant and life altering but it has governed my thoughts and actions for long enough. I realised this the other night when I was attempting to meet someone and after sharing honestly the negatives I see in myself, they were a bit freaked out and walked away. The narrative I identified with was/is robbing me of hope.

It is no good to know you need to change your narrative if you have nothing better to replace it with. For a while now I have thought about what my narrative could be. I thought I might be able to invest into school, relationships, service of God again but one thing continues to stand out in my heart- humility.

It probably stands out because I have very little. I have heard humility defined as "a lowering of oneself" or "a preference of others above yourself". Both of these are accurate in their way but I don't know they capture the full idea. One of my favourite definitions is "humility is the willingness to be known for who you truly are". I like this because it suggests that my strengths and weaknesses were given to me by God and that I honour him when I accept my limitations and that I honour him when I enjoy success. In this case it isn't a denial of being good at anything there simply isn't any need to declare it.

However a friend of mine who blogs (who is much wiser, insightful and articulate than me- go to her blog at anotsoperfectperfectionist.com) put forward C.S. Lewis' quote regarding humility. I like it the most. I want to aspire to it.

Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all

"He will not be thinking about himself at all". This is the unspoken truth that has been bubbling up in my Spirit during my time with God each morning. I have an overactive mind that is fueled by perfectionistic tendencies and a desire to fix myself in order to help the world. My heart and desire are in the right place but as I learned today, if you don't show your heart how are people to know your desire?

My introspection although well intentioned is the very reason why I am not a humble man. I think I have to fix myself to help people. It would seem people just want a flawed person who is willing to take an interest in them.

I am an introspective perfectionist who truly just wants to help.

It's time to change the narrative. With the grace of God I could become a "man who will not be thinking about himself".

Hope

Losing hope is hard.

Finding hope again is even harder.

Judging the one you hoped in is human.

Finding his power to hope again is divine.


Come, Holy Spirit.


Restore hope in my hopelessness.

Release power in my desperation.

Reveal love in my brokenness.

Restore my soul.

Catharsis

This really is a process of catharsis for me. When you feel isolated (true or not) you need a way to express the thoughts and emotions you feel. This is mine. I partially apologise for that (as I know it is self-indulgent) but at the same time as I said in my first post- this whole process really is for me. I wish I was in a place where it was about communicating ideas but instead it is mostly cathartic.

I've had a few people lie to me lately. "Lie" is a bit harsh but they most certainly weren't honest with me. I have started being able to ask girls out again, which is a massive step forward for me, but instead of just saying "I'm not interested" or "I'm already interested in someone else" I get things like "now is not the right time for me" or "it's too soon". This, of course, would be fine if it were true. Sadly, these statements have been backed up by them simply dating another person a few days later. Please don't misunderstand me- their choices are their own and I respect that I am not going to be a person that every woman wants to date. Rather, my frustration is that I am not given the honour of being told the truth.

Of course it is disappointing (and depending on how invested I am- it hurts) but what is more disappointing and hurtful is that I wasn't deemed to be worthy of being told the truth. I understand they felt that they were sparing me the pain and disappointment but instead they magnified it.

I have said this before on here- you honour me when you tell me the truth (kindly and in love). You don't need to apologise to me for your decisions, you just have to trust me enough to allow me to respect it even if it hurts me.