Faith.
It is a word that gets thrown around a lot in Christianity. It's a word that hit my heart heavily tonight.
I lost something tonight. Something that hit my heart deeply. Something that will take me a while to move on from.
I had very little to do with how things happened and I am powerless to change the consequences of the outcome. I have no control to exert and no situations can be manipulated to lead to there being less pain in my heart.
I can only have faith.
Faith that this latest flattening of my heart is not descriptive of my character. Faith that God has an orchestrated plan for my heart and that trusting him is the wisest decision I can make. Faith that I am worth knowing and loving.
In truth I hate needing to have faith. I'd prefer needing to rely on myself...or at least my over blown view of my competence.
Instead, I sit here hurting, crying and questioning all because I had the faith to believe that God could be good to me again. I'll do it all again soon too. God is good, my pain does not dictate that.
Drawing Hands
M. C. Escher
Wednesday, 27 September 2017
Wednesday, 23 August 2017
Feelings
Feeling.
What an over-hyped experience. It should be called "erratic- the way to become a freaking lunatic".
How do feeling personalities handle such engulfing but changeable things?
At my heart, I am fairly sure I am a feeling personality. At my worst, I am a controlling, thinking personality.
I used to feel a lot. It used to scared me but not in the gut-wrenching, horrifically overpowering way it currently does. I feel as though I am a man standing on a beach as the tidal wave of my emotions sweeps over me. I want to stand strong, be steadfast and respond with thought and insight but instead I get swept up and inevitably vomit my irrational fears over whoever is close enough to hear it.
One minute I'm happy, the next, I'm frustrated. The next, I'm hating life because I can't eat 4000 calories a day and get away with it anymore. I then watch a video of a refugee girl who has lost her father because of war and I cry a little.
It was much easier to just not feel.
It was also incredibly empty, lonely and loveless.
No good thing comes without a cost. No love comes without risk.
I guess it's time to ante up.
Tidal waves and explosive outbursts here I come....I feel like crying right now.
What an over-hyped experience. It should be called "erratic- the way to become a freaking lunatic".
How do feeling personalities handle such engulfing but changeable things?
At my heart, I am fairly sure I am a feeling personality. At my worst, I am a controlling, thinking personality.
I used to feel a lot. It used to scared me but not in the gut-wrenching, horrifically overpowering way it currently does. I feel as though I am a man standing on a beach as the tidal wave of my emotions sweeps over me. I want to stand strong, be steadfast and respond with thought and insight but instead I get swept up and inevitably vomit my irrational fears over whoever is close enough to hear it.
One minute I'm happy, the next, I'm frustrated. The next, I'm hating life because I can't eat 4000 calories a day and get away with it anymore. I then watch a video of a refugee girl who has lost her father because of war and I cry a little.
It was much easier to just not feel.
It was also incredibly empty, lonely and loveless.
No good thing comes without a cost. No love comes without risk.
I guess it's time to ante up.
Tidal waves and explosive outbursts here I come....I feel like crying right now.
Wrong?
Have you ever felt as though you were just the wrong person?
I don't mean in the sense where one person feels they should be the opposite gender or where they want to be someone else. I mean in the sense that you just never feel as though you belong to any particular social/people group.
Please understand me correctly, I actually quite like who I am. This feeling comes from a sense of disconnection.
The best way I can put it is this: I feel as though our society values a set of characteristics and attributes that simply I do not possess.
I want to be clear. I am not blaming society, nor am I trying to get people to feel sorry for me. For perfect transparency, I do actually possess some of these qualities- just not in spades. Every time I express these qualities I feel as though I am putting on a mask in order to play to societal expectations. I abhor such a game.
Part of me wonders if I end up removing those qualities from my repertoire just because I hate the game more than I want to be liked. Part of me wonders if I hate the game because I find being these qualities incredibly vulnerable and would prefer to paint myself as a plucky, back to the wall outsider who is trying to buck the odds.
Maybe you have felt as though you were the wrong person, but have you stopped to wonder if you feel that way because your own beliefs and thinking have sabotaged your identity?
It turns out, I'm not the wrong person.
I'm just not the person I want myself to be.
I don't mean in the sense where one person feels they should be the opposite gender or where they want to be someone else. I mean in the sense that you just never feel as though you belong to any particular social/people group.
Please understand me correctly, I actually quite like who I am. This feeling comes from a sense of disconnection.
The best way I can put it is this: I feel as though our society values a set of characteristics and attributes that simply I do not possess.
I want to be clear. I am not blaming society, nor am I trying to get people to feel sorry for me. For perfect transparency, I do actually possess some of these qualities- just not in spades. Every time I express these qualities I feel as though I am putting on a mask in order to play to societal expectations. I abhor such a game.
Part of me wonders if I end up removing those qualities from my repertoire just because I hate the game more than I want to be liked. Part of me wonders if I hate the game because I find being these qualities incredibly vulnerable and would prefer to paint myself as a plucky, back to the wall outsider who is trying to buck the odds.
Maybe you have felt as though you were the wrong person, but have you stopped to wonder if you feel that way because your own beliefs and thinking have sabotaged your identity?
It turns out, I'm not the wrong person.
I'm just not the person I want myself to be.
Tuesday, 15 August 2017
An Incoherent Return
It has been a while friends.
I stopped to address a greater need. It is still not completely resolved but I can write again....it may, however, take some time to get back into the flow.
Here are my raw thoughts tonight:
I find positive emotions difficult to express. This is why my posts are mostly reflective or critical. I don't understand how people can be so visibly happy or joyful or excited. I don't tend to experience strong positive emotions. I cannot help but wonder why.
I find negative emotions easy to express. This is why most of my posts are self-focused and self-obsessed. Every time I feel something it is usually some deep-seated burst of passionate frustration or consternation. I don't tend to experience weak negative emotions. I cannot help but wonder why.
I feel sorry for my students. I like them and want what's best for them but my demeanour and actions don't always back up this intention. The see a guy who is passionate (and I do feel a positive passion for their learning) but who is always frustrated at them. The reality is that I am rarely frustrated at the learner, I am consistently frustrated at my inability to teach them.
I grow tired of good intentions. It is time for good actions.
I grow tired of negative emotions. It is time to express some positive ones.
I grow tired of making excuses. It is time to live by conviction.
I stopped to address a greater need. It is still not completely resolved but I can write again....it may, however, take some time to get back into the flow.
Here are my raw thoughts tonight:
I find positive emotions difficult to express. This is why my posts are mostly reflective or critical. I don't understand how people can be so visibly happy or joyful or excited. I don't tend to experience strong positive emotions. I cannot help but wonder why.
I find negative emotions easy to express. This is why most of my posts are self-focused and self-obsessed. Every time I feel something it is usually some deep-seated burst of passionate frustration or consternation. I don't tend to experience weak negative emotions. I cannot help but wonder why.
I feel sorry for my students. I like them and want what's best for them but my demeanour and actions don't always back up this intention. The see a guy who is passionate (and I do feel a positive passion for their learning) but who is always frustrated at them. The reality is that I am rarely frustrated at the learner, I am consistently frustrated at my inability to teach them.
I grow tired of good intentions. It is time for good actions.
I grow tired of negative emotions. It is time to express some positive ones.
I grow tired of making excuses. It is time to live by conviction.
Friday, 13 January 2017
Hopes and Actions
There is a problem with blogging- it's just talk.
It's simply ideals and hopes written down during a person's most magnanimous moments.
It is how a person wants to be seen, heard and thought of.
It doesn't present the fullness of reality.
This is me. Hypocrite, contrast and jilted romantic.
I once (a few times) took great risks to express my heart to people- usually to one that I'd hoped would return the favour. Those experiences are ones of rejection and failure. Sadly these are the keystone experiences that shape my life. They say "once bitten twice shy" and my heart is shy. I don't want it to be. I want to be reckless and abandoned in displays of love for others but I cannot get my experiences and hurt out of the way.
There is a problem with blogging- it's just talk.
It's simply ideals and hopes written down during a person's most magnanimous moments.
It is how a person wants to be seen, heard and thought of.
It doesn't present the fullness of reality.
This is me. Hypocrite, contrast and jilted romantic.
It's simply ideals and hopes written down during a person's most magnanimous moments.
It is how a person wants to be seen, heard and thought of.
It doesn't present the fullness of reality.
This is me. Hypocrite, contrast and jilted romantic.
I once (a few times) took great risks to express my heart to people- usually to one that I'd hoped would return the favour. Those experiences are ones of rejection and failure. Sadly these are the keystone experiences that shape my life. They say "once bitten twice shy" and my heart is shy. I don't want it to be. I want to be reckless and abandoned in displays of love for others but I cannot get my experiences and hurt out of the way.
There is a problem with blogging- it's just talk.
It's simply ideals and hopes written down during a person's most magnanimous moments.
It is how a person wants to be seen, heard and thought of.
It doesn't present the fullness of reality.
This is me. Hypocrite, contrast and jilted romantic.
Friday, 6 January 2017
Brennan Manning
My mum is a wise woman. She has guided me spiritually for most of my life and her steadfastness and belief in me is humbling. I share this because she has done it again.
For Christmas she bought me (amongst other things) a book. She bought me the final book by my favourite christian author- Brennan Manning. I have simply read the foreword and a few reader testimonies and I am already in tears. Manning is one of my spiritual heroes. He was a catholic priest who married, divorced, spent time living in solitude in a cave in Spain, preached boldly, wrote beautifully, was a lifelong alcoholic and a deeply intense lover and follower of God.
He is my spiritual hero for almost none of those reasons though. He is my spiritual hero because despite all of his many and vast shortcomings, he never hid them from people and always accepted God's amazing grace and love for him. His willingness to always get back up after being knocked down (often by his own compulsions) inspires me more greatly than you could know. I am inspired by the fact that he always did it through honesty and transparency.
Brennan Manning was under no illusions- God is greatly kind, greatly just and greatly to be praised.
I think Manning understood one key thing about God- his worthiness of God's love was never in question- he was always worthy.
It made me think of a scenario that sometimes plays across my mind. In the book of Job, God and Satan appear to be playing a cosmic betting game (like poker to my mind). Satan comes to God and says (I'm using artistic licence here) "if you let me kill Job's livestock he will turn his back on you" to which God says "I bet you he won't". It's like Satan and God are having a bet about the heart and character of Job.
Like with all bets, things of value are placed into the centre of the table to be used as collateral. The way Brennan tells his story, it was like God and Satan were betting to see what kind of man he was. The thing that caused God to win, however, was that he never placed the key/defining chip into the pot.
Though his character struggled. Though his behaviours constantly failed. Though his desires betrayed him, Manning always got back up because he knew one thing:
For Christmas she bought me (amongst other things) a book. She bought me the final book by my favourite christian author- Brennan Manning. I have simply read the foreword and a few reader testimonies and I am already in tears. Manning is one of my spiritual heroes. He was a catholic priest who married, divorced, spent time living in solitude in a cave in Spain, preached boldly, wrote beautifully, was a lifelong alcoholic and a deeply intense lover and follower of God.
He is my spiritual hero for almost none of those reasons though. He is my spiritual hero because despite all of his many and vast shortcomings, he never hid them from people and always accepted God's amazing grace and love for him. His willingness to always get back up after being knocked down (often by his own compulsions) inspires me more greatly than you could know. I am inspired by the fact that he always did it through honesty and transparency.
Brennan Manning was under no illusions- God is greatly kind, greatly just and greatly to be praised.
I think Manning understood one key thing about God- his worthiness of God's love was never in question- he was always worthy.
It made me think of a scenario that sometimes plays across my mind. In the book of Job, God and Satan appear to be playing a cosmic betting game (like poker to my mind). Satan comes to God and says (I'm using artistic licence here) "if you let me kill Job's livestock he will turn his back on you" to which God says "I bet you he won't". It's like Satan and God are having a bet about the heart and character of Job.
Like with all bets, things of value are placed into the centre of the table to be used as collateral. The way Brennan tells his story, it was like God and Satan were betting to see what kind of man he was. The thing that caused God to win, however, was that he never placed the key/defining chip into the pot.
It was never bargained and never in question that Brennan Manning was worthy of God's love.
Though his character struggled. Though his behaviours constantly failed. Though his desires betrayed him, Manning always got back up because he knew one thing:
A gracious God could never stop loving him. For, despite all of the other negotiable things of life, it was never on the table.
Saturday, 24 December 2016
Vicarious
I just finished watching a TV series called the newsroom. It's brilliantly written and as I watched its final episode I did what I seem to do at the end of any show where the characters are well written- I cry.
I know it's fake and I know that these characters are not real but the thing I find hardest is that you get to see into the lives of these characters/people. You get to see what they do when they are alone and what they really think and feel- you get to see behind the mask. While I accept the irony of the following statement, it rings true- you get to who these people really are.
The reason I cry at the end of these shows is because I have to grieve people who have let me see them. In some false way, I connect with them and feel a sense of love, care and investment into their lives.
Some of you will probably find such an admission really sad. The reason why it is a truly sad statement is because that is what I long to find in real life but struggle to allow myself to do. I've said it before but I find it easy to be honest with people but hard to be vulnerable. To say it slightly differently, I struggle to live my life without having walls up around my heart.
I find that when I see others in candid, real and, perhaps, vulnerable moments I love them. It makes me feel safe and their candidness disarms and lowers the walls around my heart.
So in a somewhat strange and sad way I lost some friends today.
The reality is that real life is harder than fictional characters. It is scary to let your walls down and allow people to see you rightly, especially those who can and will hurt you. I guess that the enjoyment of watching other people's lives pales incredibly in comparison to the fulfillment of having people know, love and accept you.
Maybe it's time to let my walls down for those who can influence my life 24/7 rather than for 1hr approximately 20 times in my life.
I know it's fake and I know that these characters are not real but the thing I find hardest is that you get to see into the lives of these characters/people. You get to see what they do when they are alone and what they really think and feel- you get to see behind the mask. While I accept the irony of the following statement, it rings true- you get to who these people really are.
The reason I cry at the end of these shows is because I have to grieve people who have let me see them. In some false way, I connect with them and feel a sense of love, care and investment into their lives.
Some of you will probably find such an admission really sad. The reason why it is a truly sad statement is because that is what I long to find in real life but struggle to allow myself to do. I've said it before but I find it easy to be honest with people but hard to be vulnerable. To say it slightly differently, I struggle to live my life without having walls up around my heart.
I find that when I see others in candid, real and, perhaps, vulnerable moments I love them. It makes me feel safe and their candidness disarms and lowers the walls around my heart.
So in a somewhat strange and sad way I lost some friends today.
The reality is that real life is harder than fictional characters. It is scary to let your walls down and allow people to see you rightly, especially those who can and will hurt you. I guess that the enjoyment of watching other people's lives pales incredibly in comparison to the fulfillment of having people know, love and accept you.
Maybe it's time to let my walls down for those who can influence my life 24/7 rather than for 1hr approximately 20 times in my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)