Vicarious

I just finished watching a TV series called the newsroom. It's brilliantly written and as I watched its final episode I did what I seem to do at the end of any show where the characters are well written- I cry.

I know it's fake and I know that these characters are not real but the thing I find hardest is that you get to see into the lives of these characters/people. You get to see what they do when they are alone and what they really think and feel- you get to see behind the mask. While I accept the irony of the following statement, it rings true- you get to who these people really are.

The reason I cry at the end of these shows is because I have to grieve people who have let me see them. In some false way, I connect with them and feel a sense of love, care and investment into their lives.

Some of you will probably find such an admission really sad. The reason why it is a truly sad statement is because that is what I long to find in real life but struggle to allow myself to do. I've said it before but I find it easy to be honest with people but hard to be vulnerable. To say it slightly differently, I struggle to live my life without having walls up around my heart.

I find that when I see others in candid, real and, perhaps, vulnerable moments I love them. It makes me feel safe and their candidness disarms and lowers the walls around my heart.

So in a somewhat strange and sad way I lost some friends today.

The reality is that real life is harder than fictional characters. It is scary to let your walls down and allow people to see you rightly, especially those who can and will hurt you. I guess that the enjoyment of watching other people's lives pales incredibly in comparison to the fulfillment of having people know, love and accept you.

Maybe it's time to let my walls down for those who can influence my life 24/7 rather than for 1hr approximately 20 times in my life.