Vicarious

I just finished watching a TV series called the newsroom. It's brilliantly written and as I watched its final episode I did what I seem to do at the end of any show where the characters are well written- I cry.

I know it's fake and I know that these characters are not real but the thing I find hardest is that you get to see into the lives of these characters/people. You get to see what they do when they are alone and what they really think and feel- you get to see behind the mask. While I accept the irony of the following statement, it rings true- you get to who these people really are.

The reason I cry at the end of these shows is because I have to grieve people who have let me see them. In some false way, I connect with them and feel a sense of love, care and investment into their lives.

Some of you will probably find such an admission really sad. The reason why it is a truly sad statement is because that is what I long to find in real life but struggle to allow myself to do. I've said it before but I find it easy to be honest with people but hard to be vulnerable. To say it slightly differently, I struggle to live my life without having walls up around my heart.

I find that when I see others in candid, real and, perhaps, vulnerable moments I love them. It makes me feel safe and their candidness disarms and lowers the walls around my heart.

So in a somewhat strange and sad way I lost some friends today.

The reality is that real life is harder than fictional characters. It is scary to let your walls down and allow people to see you rightly, especially those who can and will hurt you. I guess that the enjoyment of watching other people's lives pales incredibly in comparison to the fulfillment of having people know, love and accept you.

Maybe it's time to let my walls down for those who can influence my life 24/7 rather than for 1hr approximately 20 times in my life.

The Gospel, Heresy and Indifference

Anyone who has ever had to sit down and talk with me about the church will have heard me regale them with the one thing I learned at bible college. (In fairness to the quality of education I received, I learned many more things- this is just my most used).

The one thing that sticks with me is an idea. Ideas, as we well know, are dangerous. I'm not sure Karl Marx envisaged that his ideas would lead to such suffering and in fairness I am not sure the father or mother of capitalism envisaged the damage that idea would do either. My ability to politically ostracise myself aside, the idea that stuck with me was from a "radical" theologian called Karl Barth. His idea was this:

"The greatest threat to the church is not heresy. Rather the greatest threat to the church is apathy and indifference."

This thought has stuck with me. Barth was an incredibly intelligent man and, although he was not considered orthodox, I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on this idea.

I grew up in the conservative church. Something I am very grateful for and indebted to. However, as part of the formation process I was always taught that heresy (false teaching or ideas about God from within or outside of the church) was the thing we were fighting against. Of course, Satan was the great exponent of heresy. After all, if you want to bring down an establishment you attack its core and heresy attacks the core beliefs of Christianity.

Heresy is often expressed as open defiance or disagreement with the central or key aspects of Christian belief. Barth believed that such questioning and disagreement from outsiders (and occasionally insiders) caused those in the church to reexamine and solidify their positions on why they believed what they believed. In other words, handled appropriately heresy acts as a purifying fire that helps to protect, refresh and renew correct doctrine. Barth even goes so far as to suggest that any healthy church will have heresy being expressed in and around it all the time. His reasons for this are best explained, I think, by his use of the term indifference. And the best way to illustrate this idea is by looking at Jesus' use of parables.

Most theologians agree that Jesus told parables in such a way so as to leave his audience with no ability to remain neutral. As people were listening to his stories Jesus would tell them in such a way that a person was forced to respond to the ideas being put forward. For example (although not strictly a parable) he tells his followers in John 6 that if they want to follow him they have to eat his flesh and drink his blood- no man listening to that can remain indifferent, it will evoke a response. The chapter actually says many stopped following him as a result of this teaching.

The point here is simple. When Jesus was telling parables he was not concerned by those who would openly question or deny his declaration (heresy/heretics). What he always avoided was allowing people to remain indifferent to his message (apathetic). The "heretics" (or those who believed differently to Jesus) were forced to ask questions, reject his belief or qualify their own beliefs as a result of his proclamation. What was not possible was the ability to think that what he had to say had no bearing on their life.

Indifference is such a great enemy to the church because it declares that we have not been preaching the gospel correctly. It is such a great enemy because those who need to be confronted with the truth of the gospel have not understood the gravity of the situation. When the church cannot break through the indifference of those outside it, it has failed in its mission. When the church embodies the indifference of the outside world in its own doctrine, it has let go of a part of the God that characterises it.

No church is perfect but if heresy is present within a church it is possibly because it has new (and some old) people in the church who are still forming a right view of the God they believe in. Heresy, in Barth's eyes, causes a church to grow and perform mission more succinctly that leads to new converts and more heresy. (This idea is not talking about an endemic heresy where the pastor/leader rejects central and key tenets of Christianity leading to cultism etc)

Indifference leads to a community that is disinterested in the message of God and a church that is asleep to the magnificence of their saviour.

There are a few flaws to this idea but I love its principles. Does your church have this kind of heresy in it? If not, has it grown indifferent as a result?

Love and Loneliness

I sit at home tonight....alone.

Everything in me wants to feel sorry for myself. It's easier that way. The world is to blame and I am the victim. A sad thing happens to humanity when we feel this isolated- we seek to survive.

One person may want to run into a corner, curl up in a ball and rock themselves gently to sleep. Another person may choose to fight and take companionship by force- or desperate act.

I'm told relationships are hard. I bet they are. I don't have someone constantly challenging me to live a different way and to think of them. I'm told there is wonderful freedom in my current single state. I believe them, I'm just not sure it's better.

I believe one of the greatest truths to life is understanding that although Jesus came to set us free he lived by a greater conviction. Despite his glorious freedom, Jesus chose to give it up in order to love others. Love involves limitations. Not because it demands a laying down of freedom but because by nature some freedoms will become "counter-loving".

For example, if your spouse is anaphylactic then, although you may wish to occasionally indulge in peanuts, you choose to restrict that freedom out of love. It is ironic that in this place of constant sacrifice that we learn how fulfilling it can be to put others first and just why freedom pales in the presence of love. (In fairness to the philosophers/romantics- there is no true love without freedom. While cut from the same cloth, freedom is the foundation, love is the fullest expression). I guess to take this slightly further, the greatest expression of freedom is the ability not to use it. That's what makes love so meaningful.

My point is this. Freedom is great but limitations for the sake of love fulfill freedom. Therefore, tonight, despite my shocking inability to love others well, I'd prefer to be in the shoes of those who have someone to make life hard.

Perception

Perception is a strange thing. It is strange for one simple reason- it can be easily altered. Perceptions are like the lenses of a pair of glasses- the lens shapes the image of the world and after a while your brain interprets it as the reality of how the world is.

I work with people who perceive themselves very differently to how I see them. There are some that are incredibly loving, capable and sacrificial who believe themselves to be poor teachers. There are others who are outgoing, verbose and self-obsessed who believe themselves to be the best...human... beings...ever.

The reality, of course, is that both are looking through glasses that are tainted (or at least shaped) by a host of factors.

So here is my question- how does one see themselves rightly? and, is there such a thing as an objective set of criteria by which one might see themselves rightly?

I look at the prevailing philosophy of today which says being yourself and being okay with it is seeing yourself rightly. The problem with such subjectivity is that one does not normally know who they are let alone how to be okay with it. Those who claim being okay with themselves and who 'are just being me' are usually expressively indulgent and/or strangely angry with the world.

I guess I just wonder whether 'being ourselves' is like wearing the same pair of glasses for a long time- we just accept that this is the way things are.

I have one big problem with this view of life- it sucks. I once needed glasses and when I had put on the correct prescription which enabled me to look at the world rightly, I was amazed at how beautiful and clear everything looked. I had become used to an inferior way of viewing the world.

The lenses we wear (and perceptions we have) massively impact our lives.

Psychologists and philosophers alike acknowledge that at our core it is our beliefs that shape our lives. Our beliefs are our lenses. This, of course, opens up a completely new can of worms.

This is why it is vital for the world to have an objective set of beliefs to help us see ourselves rightly.

I can't help but think that maybe we don't like change and really enjoy (need) feeling comfortable wearing our current set of glasses.

Celebration

I think people are meant to be celebrated.

Not all people do things or become things we would want to celebrate but I think all people are meant to be celebrated.

The key question is why. Fortunately for this question there is a simple answer.

God made them in his image. 

It's just easiest to celebrate those who look most like the Jesus we see.

I think all people are meant to be celebrated.

Handbags and Entitlement

I remember being in a shopping center with my mum when I was a kid. I would only have been about 6 at the time. I was walking with her hanging on to the white handbag she had over her shoulder. As events would have it, I was distracted by something I saw as we were walking and I left my mother's handbag to investigate. Once I had finished my investigation I returned to what I thought was her white handbag. It turns out it was not. I was lost and I got scared very quickly.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I have been lost within myself for the last 5 years. I am a man who thrives on vision and I have had none for a long time now. I have felt very lost and I thought this lack of vision was at the core of my issue. I now realise that assumption was and is wrong.

I thought my burnout (and subsequent behavioural and emotional issues) stole the vision from my life. Now that I am through that I have come to realise that vision is not my problem but rather attitude.

I have really struggled to follow God well and walk with him purely because I simply haven't wanted to. The context is simple. I followed God, it was fun. I followed God some more and it was painful. Following God cost me greatly. That pain shattered my perception of God and, subsequently, myself. I got really angry (without knowing it- strange but true) and decided that although I wanted to follow Him I was not willing to pay the cost anymore until he gave me what I felt I deserved from the last effort. In essence I have been trying to hold God to ransom for 5 years. I'm still there and I'm sure you can guess how that's worked out for me.

So here is the problem. I'm not lost. I'm tired, angry and unwilling to pay the cost of following Jesus obediently. In a part of my heart, I really want to follow Christ but the moment things get hard, I revert back to being a hurt and entitled child.

At the end of my story as a 6 year old, I was trained by mum to find the concierge desk and have them page her. A kind lady helped me find the desk and page my mum. I wish this fear and pain was as easy to deal with.

Sadly, I'm not lost.

I'm discouraged.

Stories

When I was burned out I never had anything to talk about. Nothing outside of my own internal torment really happened to me. Even when I was in places where things could potentially occur, I simply kept out of any situation where I could offend someone or they could reject or hurt me. It is a safe game but a dull one.

I've noticed that over the past week I have plenty to talk about in my life now. Strangely though, they all correspond with something that has caused me pain or discomfort.

I have really wanted my life to be more interesting but I didn't realise the key. If you want to be able to talk openly to people about what is going on in your life, you have to be willing to authentically and outwardly participate in the events of your surroundings.

This is not about having good stories to tell. By engaging with those around me and by being willing to express my thoughts and emotions I end up with stories that serve a twofold purpose. A conflict that refines and an acceptance that encourages who I am in this world.