Ramblings

Roll over: Watch as dreams pass you by.

Stand: Motionless and cold.

Salute: Character's procession.

Retain: Emotion's confession.

Pressurize: Luxurious decay.

Wait: As your dreams delay.


Inspiration: Genesis and truth.

Manipulation: Addicted and used.

Reprobation: Dead from abuse.

Separation: Remove you from you.

Dedication: A new hope to peruse.

Creation: A new you, imbued.


Hope: Nothing left to lose.

Hope: No one left to choose.

Hope: Embodied. Anew.

Hope: Living sinew.

Hope: Spoken. Mused.

Hope: Jesus, the True.

Gratefulness

I write a lot about melancholy things. It's mostly because I am self-absorbed and...well, melancholy.

I find it easy to express my thoughts and emotions concerning life's twists and turns. However, I have been challenged this year to think differently. The see my life and the world from the point of view of gratefulness.

I never thought myself to be an ungrateful person- although I knew that I could very easily be a negative one. I am not sure anyone makes a conscious decision to become ungrateful. However, little by little it is easy to feel like the victim of cosmic circumstances. This is not a defense of such actions, merely a statement that the road to ungratefulness is subtle, easy and strangely comforting.

In fairness, I feel like I have plenty of things to feel aggrieved about UNTIL I step back and actually take stock of my life. I'm 35 and single, I live by myself and regularly feel the vivid and bitter sting of loneliness, for seven years I couldn't talk to people or make new friendships and I still have no clear or purposeful vision for my future.

Of course, that's one way to look at it. I'm 35 and single, due to which I have been able to travel the world, live in foreign countries and invest in the pursuit of personal goals. I live by myself, meaning I own my own home (well the bank does) which I really like and have furnished it to suit my lifestyle and hobbies. I feel the vivid and bitter sting of loneliness, okay that sucks but maybe it's time I stepped out and allowed people into my life (and heart) again- it's my turn to initiate. I couldn't make friends for seven years, but I can now. I still have no clear or purposeful vision for my future, in other words- the world is my oyster, where would I like to go.

I'm grateful for the life I live. Yeah some things are tough but the opportunities plentiful. Yeah I lost my way and was easily seduced to walk the path of ungratefulness but I can see that now. So I only really have one question left to ask:

Where does my joy come from?

I don't have a fully formed answer for that one yet. The Christian in me wants to say it comes from the Lord but I really want to mean it if that is going to be my confession.

Where does your joy come from?

The Power of God

The power of God.

What does that term mean to you?

Is it an abstract thought? An intangible idea?

Is it an experience attached to a story? A reality that cannot be described, only testified to?

Is it something that guides your life? An irresistible force that directs your path?

Is it your punisher? The evidence of a God who seeks to destroy?

I can identify with each of these thoughts concerning the power of God. I wanted the power of God to be like a genie at my disposal. I wanted to be able to say 'go' and it would make straight my paths. Instead God's power has been one that has sort to bring about the will of God in my life rather than my will. I know what it looks like to ask for its help but see it forsake me. I know what it is like to walk after it has paved a way. I know what it is like to experience it irrevocably, magnificently and astoundingly change a person's life. I know what it is to lose faith in it. I know what it is to walk without it.

Of course, you cannot separate the power from the person. The power is in the person. Walking without the power of God is to walk without him.

How do you lose faith and hope in one who has given you so much to believe and hope in?

The answer is simple. Place them in something or someone other than him.

It turns out I make a crap god. Who knew I was so powerless?

Feeling powerless? Perhaps your faith and hope are sitting in the wrong person too.

The Cost of Faith

Faith.

It is a word that gets thrown around a lot in Christianity. It's a word that hit my heart heavily tonight.

I lost something tonight. Something that hit my heart deeply. Something that will take me a while to move on from.

I had very little to do with how things happened and I am powerless to change the consequences of the outcome. I have no control to exert and no situations can be manipulated to lead to there being less pain in my heart.

I can only have faith.

Faith that this latest flattening of my heart is not descriptive of my character. Faith that God has an orchestrated plan for my heart and that trusting him is the wisest decision I can make. Faith that I am worth knowing and loving.

In truth I hate needing to have faith. I'd prefer needing to rely on myself...or at least my over blown view of my competence.

Instead, I sit here hurting, crying and questioning all because I had the faith to believe that God could be good to me again. I'll do it all again soon too. God is good, my pain does not dictate that.

Feelings

Feeling.

What an over-hyped experience. It should be called "erratic- the way to become a freaking lunatic".

How do feeling personalities handle such engulfing but changeable things?

At my heart, I am fairly sure I am a feeling personality. At my worst, I am a controlling, thinking personality.

I used to feel a lot. It used to scared me but not in the gut-wrenching, horrifically overpowering way it currently does. I feel as though I am a man standing on a beach as the tidal wave of my emotions sweeps over me. I want to stand strong, be steadfast and respond with thought and insight but instead I get swept up and inevitably vomit my irrational fears over whoever is close enough to hear it.

One minute I'm happy, the next, I'm frustrated. The next, I'm hating life because I can't eat 4000 calories a day and get away with it anymore. I then watch a video of a refugee girl who has lost her father because of war and I cry a little.

It was much easier to just not feel.

It was also incredibly empty, lonely and loveless.

No good thing comes without a cost. No love comes without risk.

I guess it's time to ante up.

Tidal waves and explosive outbursts here I come....I feel like crying right now.

Wrong?

Have you ever felt as though you were just the wrong person?

I don't mean in the sense where one person feels they should be the opposite gender or where they want to be someone else. I mean in the sense that you just never feel as though you belong to any particular social/people group.

Please understand me correctly, I actually quite like who I am. This feeling comes from a sense of disconnection.

The best way I can put it is this: I feel as though our society values a set of characteristics and attributes that simply I do not possess.

I want to be clear. I am not blaming society, nor am I trying to get people to feel sorry for me. For perfect transparency, I do actually possess some of these qualities- just not in spades. Every time I express these qualities I feel as though I am putting on a mask in order to play to societal expectations. I abhor such a game.

Part of me wonders if I end up removing those qualities from my repertoire just because I hate the game more than I want to be liked. Part of me wonders if I hate the game because I find being these qualities incredibly vulnerable and would prefer to paint myself as a plucky, back to the wall outsider who is trying to buck the odds.

Maybe you have felt as though you were the wrong person, but have you stopped to wonder if you feel that way because your own beliefs and thinking have sabotaged your identity?

It turns out, I'm not the wrong person.

I'm just not the person I want myself to be.

An Incoherent Return

It has been a while friends.

I stopped to address a greater need. It is still not completely resolved but I can write again....it may, however, take some time to get back into the flow.

Here are my raw thoughts tonight:

I find positive emotions difficult to express. This is why my posts are mostly reflective or critical. I don't understand how people can be so visibly happy or joyful or excited. I don't tend to experience strong positive emotions. I cannot help but wonder why.

I find negative emotions easy to express. This is why most of my posts are self-focused and self-obsessed. Every time I feel something it is usually some deep-seated burst of passionate frustration or consternation. I don't tend to experience weak negative emotions. I cannot help but wonder why.

I feel sorry for my students. I like them and want what's best for them but my demeanour and actions don't always back up this intention. The see a guy who is passionate (and I do feel a positive passion for their learning) but who is always frustrated at them. The reality is that I am rarely frustrated at the learner, I am consistently frustrated at my inability to teach them.

I grow tired of good intentions. It is time for good actions.

I grow tired of negative emotions. It is time to express some positive ones.

I grow tired of making excuses. It is time to live by conviction.

Hopes and Actions

There is a problem with blogging- it's just talk.

It's simply ideals and hopes written down during a person's most magnanimous moments.

It is how a person wants to be seen, heard and thought of.

It doesn't present the fullness of reality.

This is me. Hypocrite, contrast and jilted romantic.

I once (a few times) took great risks to express my heart to people- usually to one that I'd hoped would return the favour. Those experiences are ones of rejection and failure. Sadly these are the keystone experiences that shape my life. They say "once bitten twice shy" and my heart is shy. I don't want it to be. I want to be reckless and abandoned in displays of love for others but I cannot get my experiences and hurt out of the way.

There is a problem with blogging- it's just talk.

It's simply ideals and hopes written down during a person's most magnanimous moments.

It is how a person wants to be seen, heard and thought of.

It doesn't present the fullness of reality.

This is me. Hypocrite, contrast and jilted romantic.

Brennan Manning

My mum is a wise woman. She has guided me spiritually for most of my life and her steadfastness and belief in me is humbling. I share this because she has done it again.

For Christmas she bought me (amongst other things) a book. She bought me the final book by my favourite christian author- Brennan Manning. I have simply read the foreword and a few reader testimonies and I am already in tears. Manning is one of my spiritual heroes. He was a catholic priest who married, divorced, spent time living in solitude in a cave in Spain, preached boldly, wrote beautifully, was a lifelong alcoholic and a deeply intense lover and follower of God.

He is my spiritual hero for almost none of those reasons though. He is my spiritual hero because despite all of his many and vast shortcomings, he never hid them from people and always accepted God's amazing grace and love for him. His willingness to always get back up after being knocked down (often by his own compulsions) inspires me more greatly than you could know. I am inspired by the fact that he always did it through honesty and transparency.

Brennan Manning was under no illusions- God is greatly kind, greatly just and greatly to be praised.

I think Manning understood one key thing about God- his worthiness of God's love was never in question- he was always worthy.

It made me think of a scenario that sometimes plays across my mind. In the book of Job, God and Satan appear to be playing a cosmic betting game (like poker to my mind). Satan comes to God and says (I'm using artistic licence here) "if you let me kill Job's livestock he will turn his back on you" to which God says "I bet you he won't". It's like Satan and God are having a bet about the heart and character of Job.

Like with all bets, things of value are placed into the centre of the table to be used as collateral. The way Brennan tells his story, it was like God and Satan were betting to see what kind of man he was. The thing that caused God to win, however, was that he never placed the key/defining chip into the pot.

It was never bargained and never in question that Brennan Manning was worthy of God's love. 

Though his character struggled. Though his behaviours constantly failed. Though his desires betrayed him, Manning always got back up because he knew one thing:

A gracious God could never stop loving him. For, despite all of the other negotiable things of life, it was never on the table.

Vicarious

I just finished watching a TV series called the newsroom. It's brilliantly written and as I watched its final episode I did what I seem to do at the end of any show where the characters are well written- I cry.

I know it's fake and I know that these characters are not real but the thing I find hardest is that you get to see into the lives of these characters/people. You get to see what they do when they are alone and what they really think and feel- you get to see behind the mask. While I accept the irony of the following statement, it rings true- you get to who these people really are.

The reason I cry at the end of these shows is because I have to grieve people who have let me see them. In some false way, I connect with them and feel a sense of love, care and investment into their lives.

Some of you will probably find such an admission really sad. The reason why it is a truly sad statement is because that is what I long to find in real life but struggle to allow myself to do. I've said it before but I find it easy to be honest with people but hard to be vulnerable. To say it slightly differently, I struggle to live my life without having walls up around my heart.

I find that when I see others in candid, real and, perhaps, vulnerable moments I love them. It makes me feel safe and their candidness disarms and lowers the walls around my heart.

So in a somewhat strange and sad way I lost some friends today.

The reality is that real life is harder than fictional characters. It is scary to let your walls down and allow people to see you rightly, especially those who can and will hurt you. I guess that the enjoyment of watching other people's lives pales incredibly in comparison to the fulfillment of having people know, love and accept you.

Maybe it's time to let my walls down for those who can influence my life 24/7 rather than for 1hr approximately 20 times in my life.

The Gospel, Heresy and Indifference

Anyone who has ever had to sit down and talk with me about the church will have heard me regale them with the one thing I learned at bible college. (In fairness to the quality of education I received, I learned many more things- this is just my most used).

The one thing that sticks with me is an idea. Ideas, as we well know, are dangerous. I'm not sure Karl Marx envisaged that his ideas would lead to such suffering and in fairness I am not sure the father or mother of capitalism envisaged the damage that idea would do either. My ability to politically ostracise myself aside, the idea that stuck with me was from a "radical" theologian called Karl Barth. His idea was this:

"The greatest threat to the church is not heresy. Rather the greatest threat to the church is apathy and indifference."

This thought has stuck with me. Barth was an incredibly intelligent man and, although he was not considered orthodox, I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on this idea.

I grew up in the conservative church. Something I am very grateful for and indebted to. However, as part of the formation process I was always taught that heresy (false teaching or ideas about God from within or outside of the church) was the thing we were fighting against. Of course, Satan was the great exponent of heresy. After all, if you want to bring down an establishment you attack its core and heresy attacks the core beliefs of Christianity.

Heresy is often expressed as open defiance or disagreement with the central or key aspects of Christian belief. Barth believed that such questioning and disagreement from outsiders (and occasionally insiders) caused those in the church to reexamine and solidify their positions on why they believed what they believed. In other words, handled appropriately heresy acts as a purifying fire that helps to protect, refresh and renew correct doctrine. Barth even goes so far as to suggest that any healthy church will have heresy being expressed in and around it all the time. His reasons for this are best explained, I think, by his use of the term indifference. And the best way to illustrate this idea is by looking at Jesus' use of parables.

Most theologians agree that Jesus told parables in such a way so as to leave his audience with no ability to remain neutral. As people were listening to his stories Jesus would tell them in such a way that a person was forced to respond to the ideas being put forward. For example (although not strictly a parable) he tells his followers in John 6 that if they want to follow him they have to eat his flesh and drink his blood- no man listening to that can remain indifferent, it will evoke a response. The chapter actually says many stopped following him as a result of this teaching.

The point here is simple. When Jesus was telling parables he was not concerned by those who would openly question or deny his declaration (heresy/heretics). What he always avoided was allowing people to remain indifferent to his message (apathetic). The "heretics" (or those who believed differently to Jesus) were forced to ask questions, reject his belief or qualify their own beliefs as a result of his proclamation. What was not possible was the ability to think that what he had to say had no bearing on their life.

Indifference is such a great enemy to the church because it declares that we have not been preaching the gospel correctly. It is such a great enemy because those who need to be confronted with the truth of the gospel have not understood the gravity of the situation. When the church cannot break through the indifference of those outside it, it has failed in its mission. When the church embodies the indifference of the outside world in its own doctrine, it has let go of a part of the God that characterises it.

No church is perfect but if heresy is present within a church it is possibly because it has new (and some old) people in the church who are still forming a right view of the God they believe in. Heresy, in Barth's eyes, causes a church to grow and perform mission more succinctly that leads to new converts and more heresy. (This idea is not talking about an endemic heresy where the pastor/leader rejects central and key tenets of Christianity leading to cultism etc)

Indifference leads to a community that is disinterested in the message of God and a church that is asleep to the magnificence of their saviour.

There are a few flaws to this idea but I love its principles. Does your church have this kind of heresy in it? If not, has it grown indifferent as a result?

Love and Loneliness

I sit at home tonight....alone.

Everything in me wants to feel sorry for myself. It's easier that way. The world is to blame and I am the victim. A sad thing happens to humanity when we feel this isolated- we seek to survive.

One person may want to run into a corner, curl up in a ball and rock themselves gently to sleep. Another person may choose to fight and take companionship by force- or desperate act.

I'm told relationships are hard. I bet they are. I don't have someone constantly challenging me to live a different way and to think of them. I'm told there is wonderful freedom in my current single state. I believe them, I'm just not sure it's better.

I believe one of the greatest truths to life is understanding that although Jesus came to set us free he lived by a greater conviction. Despite his glorious freedom, Jesus chose to give it up in order to love others. Love involves limitations. Not because it demands a laying down of freedom but because by nature some freedoms will become "counter-loving".

For example, if your spouse is anaphylactic then, although you may wish to occasionally indulge in peanuts, you choose to restrict that freedom out of love. It is ironic that in this place of constant sacrifice that we learn how fulfilling it can be to put others first and just why freedom pales in the presence of love. (In fairness to the philosophers/romantics- there is no true love without freedom. While cut from the same cloth, freedom is the foundation, love is the fullest expression). I guess to take this slightly further, the greatest expression of freedom is the ability not to use it. That's what makes love so meaningful.

My point is this. Freedom is great but limitations for the sake of love fulfill freedom. Therefore, tonight, despite my shocking inability to love others well, I'd prefer to be in the shoes of those who have someone to make life hard.

Perception

Perception is a strange thing. It is strange for one simple reason- it can be easily altered. Perceptions are like the lenses of a pair of glasses- the lens shapes the image of the world and after a while your brain interprets it as the reality of how the world is.

I work with people who perceive themselves very differently to how I see them. There are some that are incredibly loving, capable and sacrificial who believe themselves to be poor teachers. There are others who are outgoing, verbose and self-obsessed who believe themselves to be the best...human... beings...ever.

The reality, of course, is that both are looking through glasses that are tainted (or at least shaped) by a host of factors.

So here is my question- how does one see themselves rightly? and, is there such a thing as an objective set of criteria by which one might see themselves rightly?

I look at the prevailing philosophy of today which says being yourself and being okay with it is seeing yourself rightly. The problem with such subjectivity is that one does not normally know who they are let alone how to be okay with it. Those who claim being okay with themselves and who 'are just being me' are usually expressively indulgent and/or strangely angry with the world.

I guess I just wonder whether 'being ourselves' is like wearing the same pair of glasses for a long time- we just accept that this is the way things are.

I have one big problem with this view of life- it sucks. I once needed glasses and when I had put on the correct prescription which enabled me to look at the world rightly, I was amazed at how beautiful and clear everything looked. I had become used to an inferior way of viewing the world.

The lenses we wear (and perceptions we have) massively impact our lives.

Psychologists and philosophers alike acknowledge that at our core it is our beliefs that shape our lives. Our beliefs are our lenses. This, of course, opens up a completely new can of worms.

This is why it is vital for the world to have an objective set of beliefs to help us see ourselves rightly.

I can't help but think that maybe we don't like change and really enjoy (need) feeling comfortable wearing our current set of glasses.

Celebration

I think people are meant to be celebrated.

Not all people do things or become things we would want to celebrate but I think all people are meant to be celebrated.

The key question is why. Fortunately for this question there is a simple answer.

God made them in his image. 

It's just easiest to celebrate those who look most like the Jesus we see.

I think all people are meant to be celebrated.

Handbags and Entitlement

I remember being in a shopping center with my mum when I was a kid. I would only have been about 6 at the time. I was walking with her hanging on to the white handbag she had over her shoulder. As events would have it, I was distracted by something I saw as we were walking and I left my mother's handbag to investigate. Once I had finished my investigation I returned to what I thought was her white handbag. It turns out it was not. I was lost and I got scared very quickly.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I have been lost within myself for the last 5 years. I am a man who thrives on vision and I have had none for a long time now. I have felt very lost and I thought this lack of vision was at the core of my issue. I now realise that assumption was and is wrong.

I thought my burnout (and subsequent behavioural and emotional issues) stole the vision from my life. Now that I am through that I have come to realise that vision is not my problem but rather attitude.

I have really struggled to follow God well and walk with him purely because I simply haven't wanted to. The context is simple. I followed God, it was fun. I followed God some more and it was painful. Following God cost me greatly. That pain shattered my perception of God and, subsequently, myself. I got really angry (without knowing it- strange but true) and decided that although I wanted to follow Him I was not willing to pay the cost anymore until he gave me what I felt I deserved from the last effort. In essence I have been trying to hold God to ransom for 5 years. I'm still there and I'm sure you can guess how that's worked out for me.

So here is the problem. I'm not lost. I'm tired, angry and unwilling to pay the cost of following Jesus obediently. In a part of my heart, I really want to follow Christ but the moment things get hard, I revert back to being a hurt and entitled child.

At the end of my story as a 6 year old, I was trained by mum to find the concierge desk and have them page her. A kind lady helped me find the desk and page my mum. I wish this fear and pain was as easy to deal with.

Sadly, I'm not lost.

I'm discouraged.

Stories

When I was burned out I never had anything to talk about. Nothing outside of my own internal torment really happened to me. Even when I was in places where things could potentially occur, I simply kept out of any situation where I could offend someone or they could reject or hurt me. It is a safe game but a dull one.

I've noticed that over the past week I have plenty to talk about in my life now. Strangely though, they all correspond with something that has caused me pain or discomfort.

I have really wanted my life to be more interesting but I didn't realise the key. If you want to be able to talk openly to people about what is going on in your life, you have to be willing to authentically and outwardly participate in the events of your surroundings.

This is not about having good stories to tell. By engaging with those around me and by being willing to express my thoughts and emotions I end up with stories that serve a twofold purpose. A conflict that refines and an acceptance that encourages who I am in this world.

Narrative

It's time to change the narrative of my life.

For too long I have defined myself by the burnout I suffered. It was significant and life altering but it has governed my thoughts and actions for long enough. I realised this the other night when I was attempting to meet someone and after sharing honestly the negatives I see in myself, they were a bit freaked out and walked away. The narrative I identified with was/is robbing me of hope.

It is no good to know you need to change your narrative if you have nothing better to replace it with. For a while now I have thought about what my narrative could be. I thought I might be able to invest into school, relationships, service of God again but one thing continues to stand out in my heart- humility.

It probably stands out because I have very little. I have heard humility defined as "a lowering of oneself" or "a preference of others above yourself". Both of these are accurate in their way but I don't know they capture the full idea. One of my favourite definitions is "humility is the willingness to be known for who you truly are". I like this because it suggests that my strengths and weaknesses were given to me by God and that I honour him when I accept my limitations and that I honour him when I enjoy success. In this case it isn't a denial of being good at anything there simply isn't any need to declare it.

However a friend of mine who blogs (who is much wiser, insightful and articulate than me- go to her blog at anotsoperfectperfectionist.com) put forward C.S. Lewis' quote regarding humility. I like it the most. I want to aspire to it.

Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all

"He will not be thinking about himself at all". This is the unspoken truth that has been bubbling up in my Spirit during my time with God each morning. I have an overactive mind that is fueled by perfectionistic tendencies and a desire to fix myself in order to help the world. My heart and desire are in the right place but as I learned today, if you don't show your heart how are people to know your desire?

My introspection although well intentioned is the very reason why I am not a humble man. I think I have to fix myself to help people. It would seem people just want a flawed person who is willing to take an interest in them.

I am an introspective perfectionist who truly just wants to help.

It's time to change the narrative. With the grace of God I could become a "man who will not be thinking about himself".

Hope

Losing hope is hard.

Finding hope again is even harder.

Judging the one you hoped in is human.

Finding his power to hope again is divine.


Come, Holy Spirit.


Restore hope in my hopelessness.

Release power in my desperation.

Reveal love in my brokenness.

Restore my soul.

Catharsis

This really is a process of catharsis for me. When you feel isolated (true or not) you need a way to express the thoughts and emotions you feel. This is mine. I partially apologise for that (as I know it is self-indulgent) but at the same time as I said in my first post- this whole process really is for me. I wish I was in a place where it was about communicating ideas but instead it is mostly cathartic.

I've had a few people lie to me lately. "Lie" is a bit harsh but they most certainly weren't honest with me. I have started being able to ask girls out again, which is a massive step forward for me, but instead of just saying "I'm not interested" or "I'm already interested in someone else" I get things like "now is not the right time for me" or "it's too soon". This, of course, would be fine if it were true. Sadly, these statements have been backed up by them simply dating another person a few days later. Please don't misunderstand me- their choices are their own and I respect that I am not going to be a person that every woman wants to date. Rather, my frustration is that I am not given the honour of being told the truth.

Of course it is disappointing (and depending on how invested I am- it hurts) but what is more disappointing and hurtful is that I wasn't deemed to be worthy of being told the truth. I understand they felt that they were sparing me the pain and disappointment but instead they magnified it.

I have said this before on here- you honour me when you tell me the truth (kindly and in love). You don't need to apologise to me for your decisions, you just have to trust me enough to allow me to respect it even if it hurts me.

Vulnerable

I hate feeling vulnerable.

I'm not talking about being honest and sharing information about myself. I don't find that vulnerable. To me that is connecting with people. I'm talking about standing in a crowd feeling like everything you are is on display. The good, the bad, the ugly and, in my case, unadulterated terror and insecurity.

That's what makes me feel vulnerable. That the judgments I have made against myself, the judgments that if you saw who I truly am, you would not want to connect with me. I think that is why I find it so hard to be in a social setting. I hate masks and really don't want to wear one but letting people see me without one is just too threatening. So maybe my mask is denial and cowardice.

The irony of it all is that I want to be known. I want to connect. More than anything in this world. I can't wear obvious masks and yet trying to connect deeply starts a conversation too intensely. I can't talk about myself honestly without being intense. I can't connect without talking about myself. I don't want lots of connection, I just want a few deep ones. If I'm honest I really want one truly meaningful relationship and some really healthy connections with a few key friendship circles.

Maybe this is too much information. Maybe I'm just an insecure idealist who hopes for the best but expects the worst. Maybe one day I'll meet the right person who loves that I'm intense....maybe.