Control

As you may have guessed, I am not a consistent blogger. I don't know how people write all the time. If I have nothing to talk about I can't just make something up...at least nothing that I think would be read-worthy.

I established last post that I have been burned out for a while. The result is that I am a bit of a mess... and not a hot one. Here's the third thing you should know about me, I like to be in control. I'm not an alpha male but I like to control my environment so as to feel safe. I imagine most people have some kind of social control mechanism. Mine is to stay silent with people I don't know- what I don't say they can't judge me with. Of course in my head I am judging them like a mad man. With people I do know I have carefully measured who I can be around them so as to remain in control of my own self-worth. It's an efficient system but it is just that, a system.

Growing up, I liked that I had a strong sense of right and wrong. It grounded me. If someone swore, lied or stole I knew what they were doing was wrong. Here's the problem though. Well, the first problem. I didn't just judge their behaviours, I would judge the person for those behaviours. For example, little Johnny stole drink from the store, the stealing was wrong but Johnny was now a person who shouldn't be trusted or followed because he was a thief. Here's my point- I mistook behaviour for character.

There have been key people in my life who have done some really hurtful things. Usually you work through it and move on but sometimes its an action that carries extra significance. It's a behaviour that carries extra special judgment. It's the action that you abhor, it's the behaviour that can only have one conclusion. A person that does this, deserves the due penalty for their crime. I think everyone has an unforgivable sin. For me it was always adultery. I couldn't comprehend such an act. A commitment was a commitment and a relationship was sacred, intimate and chaste.

What does all of this have to do with control? Strong systems, strong external frameworks make me feel safe. They help me to approach life with a sense of knowing what is what and how things should be. They help feel in control of my surroundings. More accurately, they help me feel in control of my own actions in my surroundings. I think that is a part of why Christianity was appealing to me as a child. Outside of the boring talks and atonal singing, I liked that it gave very simple and practicable ways to approach life. Something happened though. I found that I really loved this God my systems pointed me to. In fact, I loved that I could find passion in expressing a sense of commitment to a God who I could know sacredly, intimately and with chastity. My world of systems, of clearly defined actions and behaviours, enabled a safe way to approach an infinite God. It was marvellous.

Here's the problem. My systems became the basis of my relationship and my behaviours became its currency. When I behaved well, I expected reward. When I behaved poorly, I expected punishment. This is not an unusual approach but it is an unhelpful one. Any relationship that is based upon the behavioural standard of its participants is doomed to fail. Not because these behaviours are unimportant but because inevitably one party will not be able to live up to the expectation of the other. This is what happened between God and myself.

After a few years of service I expected reward. God did not follow through on a very specific part of this demand. My reaction to this unmet expectation was that I found my heart flailing and I broke the covenant. I took what was sacred, intimate and chaste (at least in my mind) and tainted it with the brush of broken, faithless behaviour. I lacked the commitment required of a covenantal person. For want of a better way of putting it, I had become an adulterer towards God.

As a result of the judgment I had placed upon adulterers (and now myself), all of my systems failed, my control disappeared and my self-worth fractured. I couldn't relate to God or others because I had no safety net. I had no systems that would secure me. But do you want to know the hardest part of the entire process? Not being in control of how other people saw/see me. Being exposed as a man of failed character. Remember, behaviour was character. Trusting a God who hurt me and not taking back control by building new systems.

I think this is why the Lordship of Christ is so important. It's not because he is a megalomaniac who needs to be in charge. I think it is because we can't truly be in a relationship with others when we are playing mind games of control and power. I think that is why Jesus is so confronting to me. He doesn't relate to me through the guise of control. He isn't looking to protect something. He isn't concerned about how he is perceived because he knows that if given the chance he will reveal himself accurately. Jesus doesn't want to be Lord in our relationship because he needs control, he wants to be Lord because we need him to be in order to fully experience the freedom of his acceptance and love.

This is a long one. Sorry about that. My thoughts are not well refined (I write this so as to help me articulate my thoughts more accurately). If you have any thoughts, let me know. I'd be interested to hear your take on it all.

Some back story....followed by some front story

A second post is most unexpected.

I should declare straight away that I am a Christian. A lot of what I reflect upon will be based around God and through the lens of Christianity.

About 3 years ago I suffered burn out. It turns out that this burn out was significant and life altering for me. Just not in a good way. It's details are unnecessary at this point in time except to say that I was in, and was further seeking, a life in pastoral ministry. As a result of the emotional distress of said burn out I removed myself from all ministry. The last but very important detail was that I burned out because I felt that God had disqualified me, that God had measured me and would not use me to help people. The vision for my future was done. I fell into a depressive, anxious hole full of self-loathing and hopelessness. (I would love to say that I am exaggerating but that is how I felt).

This leads into tonight. A good friend of mine finished his tenure as the associate pastor of a church he had served in for 12 or so years. It was an awesome night and the legacy of his impact was evidenced by the hundreds of people who turned up for it. It was emotional, insightful and enjoyable.

It was also the juxtaposition of my failed ministry dreams.

Therefore at the time I should have been celebrating his life and work, I could only reflect upon myself (something that is all to frequent sadly). I reflected on the effect that he has had on all of these people and how I have not impacted a single person. That his life in ministry was a huge success and that I felt disqualified from mine. That he had been lauded for his personality, charisma and dedication and that I contained little to none of those qualities. I guess I felt the anger, sadness and confusion of my own disqualification.

Actions speak louder than words. Dedication and commitment over time speak love and care. Competency and authenticity breed approval and trust. Much of this can be reduced to simple factors but my questions remain. Does God favour one man over another? Is it just a seasonal idea? Are some people convinced they are more significant and capable than they truly are?

I have no answers to these questions, I just have responses. I don't know if God favours my friend over me or if he was in a season of blessing while I was in a season of hardship. I certainly don't know if I am deluded by my own sense of self-importance. All I know is that I am really glad my friend is a great man worth honouring, that my past does not dictate my future and that God really does have a plan and purpose for my life.

I don't know how to comprehend my current circumstances and the wiser I become the less I understand but I only really have one choice- to trust God. I know there is a second option where I do life my way. Been there, done that. Over the last few years I decided to be in charge of my own destiny. All I can say is I make an horrific god.

It's time for a change of management.

Disappointment (or Why Dick Van Dyke haunts my dreams)

I guess this is for me. Ultimately it has to be. Not because I am selfish (although true) but because I have no expectation of others reading this. I have no platform to express my thoughts and this seems as good a place as any. So here we are dear imaginary reader....here we are.

I want to say that I have known disappointment but I can't. Not in any true or significant sense of the word. Let me give you some context.

I love to play football, or as the heathens know it- Soccer. Soccer...such a bastardization of language. Strangely intense opinions on small matters aside, I have been playing in goals of late. It is actually quite fun and I had a really good game two weeks ago. In saying this I did have one significant problem. I pulled a tendon off the back of my finger (middle left in case you are wondering) and ended up with what is commonly called a mallet finger. The end of this story is that my finger is in a splint for the next 8 weeks and I couldn't play in goals anymore.

Next week I played on the field. This was fine as I was once a very good outfield player and I enjoyed the chance to get out and run around. The irony, however, was that my finger was going to become the least of my worries. In a twist of Shakespearian qualities (I'm exaggerating but it helps my desire to be somewhat dramatic) my knee and I had a falling out. My knee wanted to settle down, establish itself and maybe one day have kids but I wanted to move on, explore life and extend myself. Needless to say I moved to the left, it moved to the right and as in any relationship breakdown somebody gets caught in the middle. That was my ACL which I tore the right off the bone.

This is disappointing. It marks the final nail in the coffin of my youth. This last year has seen a few nails get driven in. The first was my thinning hair line, the second the absence of any desire to leave my home on a Saturday night and the third was noticing all of my friends now listen to AM talk back radio. Next will be my ever increasing waist line followed by an astounding urge to watch Matlock. Dick Van Dyke's appeal grows ever ominously upon the horizon. It haunts my dreams...

Disappointment...that's right. I was complaining about how I have suffered my share of disappointment and how life is hard as a result. Then the people I talked with opened their mouths. One was homeless due to a falling out with family. Another was experiencing the reality of losing someone through cancer. Yet another knew only what life was like when viewed through the lens of anxiety and depression. I just needed crutches to walk and had a hand that was permanently flipping people off. I'm fortunate when you think about it- one of my afflictions at least expressed how I felt. Yeah I have faced disappointment and yes disappointment is a personal thing based upon hopes, dreams and expectations for life. But I have not known great disappointment. At least not through the overt passing of my youth or the physical breakdown of my body.

My disappointment is real but it is not significant. I have faced much more significant disappointment in my life but that's a story for another day. So what is the point or moral of this story?

I guess it is that this is the standard you can expect from my blog. A poorly written, slightly rambling piece of literature that attempts but never reaches the height of what it means to be insightful or a good writer. But damn am I good at self-deprecation.