A second post is most unexpected.
I should declare straight away that I am a Christian. A lot of what I reflect upon will be based around God and through the lens of Christianity.
About 3 years ago I suffered burn out. It turns out that this burn out was significant and life altering for me. Just not in a good way. It's details are unnecessary at this point in time except to say that I was in, and was further seeking, a life in pastoral ministry. As a result of the emotional distress of said burn out I removed myself from all ministry. The last but very important detail was that I burned out because I felt that God had disqualified me, that God had measured me and would not use me to help people. The vision for my future was done. I fell into a depressive, anxious hole full of self-loathing and hopelessness. (I would love to say that I am exaggerating but that is how I felt).
This leads into tonight. A good friend of mine finished his tenure as the associate pastor of a church he had served in for 12 or so years. It was an awesome night and the legacy of his impact was evidenced by the hundreds of people who turned up for it. It was emotional, insightful and enjoyable.
It was also the juxtaposition of my failed ministry dreams.
Therefore at the time I should have been celebrating his life and work, I could only reflect upon myself (something that is all to frequent sadly). I reflected on the effect that he has had on all of these people and how I have not impacted a single person. That his life in ministry was a huge success and that I felt disqualified from mine. That he had been lauded for his personality, charisma and dedication and that I contained little to none of those qualities. I guess I felt the anger, sadness and confusion of my own disqualification.
Actions speak louder than words. Dedication and commitment over time speak love and care. Competency and authenticity breed approval and trust. Much of this can be reduced to simple factors but my questions remain. Does God favour one man over another? Is it just a seasonal idea? Are some people convinced they are more significant and capable than they truly are?
I have no answers to these questions, I just have responses. I don't know if God favours my friend over me or if he was in a season of blessing while I was in a season of hardship. I certainly don't know if I am deluded by my own sense of self-importance. All I know is that I am really glad my friend is a great man worth honouring, that my past does not dictate my future and that God really does have a plan and purpose for my life.
I don't know how to comprehend my current circumstances and the wiser I become the less I understand but I only really have one choice- to trust God. I know there is a second option where I do life my way. Been there, done that. Over the last few years I decided to be in charge of my own destiny. All I can say is I make an horrific god.
It's time for a change of management.
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