Drawing Hands

Drawing Hands
M. C. Escher

Wednesday 23 August 2017

Feelings

Feeling.

What an over-hyped experience. It should be called "erratic- the way to become a freaking lunatic".

How do feeling personalities handle such engulfing but changeable things?

At my heart, I am fairly sure I am a feeling personality. At my worst, I am a controlling, thinking personality.

I used to feel a lot. It used to scared me but not in the gut-wrenching, horrifically overpowering way it currently does. I feel as though I am a man standing on a beach as the tidal wave of my emotions sweeps over me. I want to stand strong, be steadfast and respond with thought and insight but instead I get swept up and inevitably vomit my irrational fears over whoever is close enough to hear it.

One minute I'm happy, the next, I'm frustrated. The next, I'm hating life because I can't eat 4000 calories a day and get away with it anymore. I then watch a video of a refugee girl who has lost her father because of war and I cry a little.

It was much easier to just not feel.

It was also incredibly empty, lonely and loveless.

No good thing comes without a cost. No love comes without risk.

I guess it's time to ante up.

Tidal waves and explosive outbursts here I come....I feel like crying right now.

Wrong?

Have you ever felt as though you were just the wrong person?

I don't mean in the sense where one person feels they should be the opposite gender or where they want to be someone else. I mean in the sense that you just never feel as though you belong to any particular social/people group.

Please understand me correctly, I actually quite like who I am. This feeling comes from a sense of disconnection.

The best way I can put it is this: I feel as though our society values a set of characteristics and attributes that simply I do not possess.

I want to be clear. I am not blaming society, nor am I trying to get people to feel sorry for me. For perfect transparency, I do actually possess some of these qualities- just not in spades. Every time I express these qualities I feel as though I am putting on a mask in order to play to societal expectations. I abhor such a game.

Part of me wonders if I end up removing those qualities from my repertoire just because I hate the game more than I want to be liked. Part of me wonders if I hate the game because I find being these qualities incredibly vulnerable and would prefer to paint myself as a plucky, back to the wall outsider who is trying to buck the odds.

Maybe you have felt as though you were the wrong person, but have you stopped to wonder if you feel that way because your own beliefs and thinking have sabotaged your identity?

It turns out, I'm not the wrong person.

I'm just not the person I want myself to be.

Tuesday 15 August 2017

An Incoherent Return

It has been a while friends.

I stopped to address a greater need. It is still not completely resolved but I can write again....it may, however, take some time to get back into the flow.

Here are my raw thoughts tonight:

I find positive emotions difficult to express. This is why my posts are mostly reflective or critical. I don't understand how people can be so visibly happy or joyful or excited. I don't tend to experience strong positive emotions. I cannot help but wonder why.

I find negative emotions easy to express. This is why most of my posts are self-focused and self-obsessed. Every time I feel something it is usually some deep-seated burst of passionate frustration or consternation. I don't tend to experience weak negative emotions. I cannot help but wonder why.

I feel sorry for my students. I like them and want what's best for them but my demeanour and actions don't always back up this intention. The see a guy who is passionate (and I do feel a positive passion for their learning) but who is always frustrated at them. The reality is that I am rarely frustrated at the learner, I am consistently frustrated at my inability to teach them.

I grow tired of good intentions. It is time for good actions.

I grow tired of negative emotions. It is time to express some positive ones.

I grow tired of making excuses. It is time to live by conviction.