Why I am a great listener...Just not all the time

I once did a personality test called the life languages test. In it there are seven categories that you get ranked in on a scale of 1-100. The higher the score the more you communicate yourself through that language.

The seven categories were (from my strongest to my weakest)

1. Shaper- Mould situations through leading people to conclude based upon evidence etc.
2. Contemplator- Rich thought life. Quiet, slow to move but usually accurate.
3. Mover- Likes to make things happen and happen quickly.
4. Producer- Likes to get things done but in the sense of getting results and producing the largest yield.
5. Responder- Responds to the needs of others and loves caring for people.
6. Doer- Loves to simply keep themselves busy and do tasks.
7. Influencer- Loves to lead people through suggestion and charisma.

Shaping is incredibly fun. In fact it is why I am a teacher. I get to shape minds constantly. However, the one I want to focus on tonight is the contemplator.

Each language has a key motivator and a key question (or so I am told). I loved the key question of the contemplator:

"Do I need to know this?"

This is a great question. If for no other reason than to weigh up the validity and importance of what a person is saying. If I believe I do need to know it- my attention will be all yours. The negative side though, is that, a contemplator, after asking this question and deciding it is not necessary, will go back to thinking about something that warrants their time, attention and energy. As such, they will no longer listen to what you are talking about.

This happens a lot with me. I start conversations with people and then realise I have stopped listening to them 10 seconds later. It turns out that making puns in my head is more interesting than what someone consumed for dinner last night.

It makes me wonder why I even ask small talk questions.

I guess the truth is that I genuinely want to get to know people but that I don't genuinely care about the "little things". This, of course, is a relative term but I want to get to know the real person inside not the bland, boring coating of pleasantries. (Yes I am fully aware that you have to earn that right by embracing people in those things...I don't make the best first impression).

My point is this. If you are talking to me and I tune out- I'm sorry. I don't mean to. I am subconsciously telling you that I am bored and want to talk of deeper and more meaningful things. I won't have earned that privilege but I promise you'll find me much more palatable if we can get there.

Milleresque

I really enjoy reading Donald Miller books.

I once decided that I was going to write a book and I did a lot of the ground work for the ideas and what would go in each chapter. That was until I picked up Miller's book "Searching for God knows what". He stole my book idea! I don't know how he invented time travel, as his book was written 7 years before mine, but I know he stole my ideas. Truthfully though, He had written 7 of my 12 chapters and in a way I could only dream of writing.

I like Miller because he is funny, insightful and easy to digest (not that I have tried to digest him). He comes up with cool titles for his chapters such as "Lifeboat Theory: How to kill your Neighbour" and "Naked: Why Nudity is the point". He even has a formula that just works for my sensibilities- tell a story, link that story to an idea, teach the idea, bring it all back together.

There were a few months where I started writing daily reflections that followed a similar format. I don't remember most of them now but I am fairly sure I entitled one "Swimming Upstream: How people are like bears". Catchy hey.

Tonight I thought I could write another Milleresque entry. That was until I realised I couldn't think of anything particularly catchy. Instead I thought I'd write about how I couldn't think of anything to write about. Cyclical really.....Maybe I could have called this post "Cyclical: Why Simba and I are alike".

Nonetheless, I think I will try and write some of these soon. Who knows, maybe another book idea will spring to mind. Or maybe it will just lead to another pointless post.

The Value of No

No.

It's a small word. In many respects it is one of the easiest words on this earth to say. Yet it is a word that I don't think I hear enough....at least not said to me.

This may come as a surprise to those who know me, but one of my greatest fears in life is to give and receive pain/painful experiences. In truth I am rather crippled by the fear that lurks at the inevitable rejection causing someone pain leads to. As such, no is a scary word.

Think about it. It has probably led to some of your most painful experiences in life. You may have once asked the question "do you love me?" only for its response to be "no". Perhaps it was "are we pregnant yet?"..."no". "Doctor is he/she going to live?"....you get the picture.

'No' carries a weight and finality that we wish it didn't.

Yet at the same time 'no' can simply be temporary- a road block. "Mum can I please have a bike?". The answer was no but 6 months later there you are riding like a maniac. Perhaps it was a job interview where one firm said no but 3 interviews later another firm said yes.

However, there are on occasion, times where no is the best word in the world. "Dad can I use that chainsaw?". "Hey Nathan, have you ever heard of the band One Direction?". And my personal favourite "Nathan would you like a cup of coffee?"....NO!

Here is my problem with society at the moment. Some people are not willing to say no to each other. As I outlined earlier, I get why it is a scary word but I can't help but feel we have cowarded (yes it is now a verb) out of saying it.

I have recently been talking with people via text messages and through facebook and have asked them to do things. Instead of telling me no they simply fail to reply.

How is this honouring? How does this communicate that I have value and worth to them?

Telling me no may disappoint me but it will not suggest a person doesn't care about me (unless of course the question was do you care about me? In which case it is pretty damning). Telling someone no conveys a respect that they at least deserve your honesty and acknowledgement. If I have to say no to you it is not because I am a jerk (although sometimes I am) but because I think highly enough of you as a person to let you know where I stand in regards to your proposition.

I don't like to say no but sometimes it is the only correct course of action.

If you love, honour and care for someone, no will end up being one of the most meaningful words in your vocabulary. Use it wisely.

Man 'of God'

I wrote last time of me being asked the question of what it means to be a man of God. I guess it is about time to finish the thought and pontificate upon what it means to be a man of God.

I wonder if anyone feels qualified to talk about what it means to be a man/woman of God. The thought of answering that question honestly stirs up great feelings of inadequacy. I can't even figure out what it looks like to be a man properly let alone one who knows how to live a life worthy of God.

I guess that is it though, isn't it. Most people would think being a man/woman of God to mean a person who lives a holy, disciplined and devoted life that is worthy of God.

I think of the great Christian men and women who did amazing things in the name of God. Mother Teresa and her amazing gift of compassion. Martin Luther and his relentless pursuit of the truth of the word of God. The mystical intimacy of Teresa of Avila. The power and uncompromising nature of Smith Wigglesworth. These were people of God.

Are these the examples of what it means to be a person of God? If so, what are the qualities that make them of God?

It would seem that the qualities that made each of them of God were unique. So is it compassion that makes us men and women of God? Is it intellect, intimacy or power? Is it the express and overt manifestation of the Holy Spirit in our lives?

Each of these questions seem reasonable but on the wrong train of thought to me. Once more I cannot look past King David for my place to stand on this issue.

He was called a man after God's own heart. If there was ever a description given by God that a man was of Him, surely this was it. David wasn't interested in the blessings of God but his very heart.

I like this truth. David was a man of God.

I also like why he was a man of God. He sought after God's heart. To know and relate to God. That takes guts...and a serious conviction that God wanted to be known, not just understood.

It's a simple picture but no other biblical figure (outside of Jesus) reveals what it means to be a man/woman of God.

Do you want to know the best part of it all? David was an amazing man. A singer, leader, poet, musician, model (allow me the poetic license), soldier, shepherd and friend. He was the kind of guy you were envious of but liked to much to hate him for it.

I love David's strengths and gifts but I also find great comfort in his failings. As he was also a really broken man. He at some stage: lusted and committed adultery, masterminded a murder, alienate his wife, allowed his children to commit incest, murder and usurp his kingdom and failed to give appropriate succession plans at his passing.

David was a super "Christian" (again allow me the liberty of calling him a 'Christian') who had some amazing characteristics but they were not what made him a man of God.

Wigglesworth, Luther and the Teresa's were not men and women of God because they were gifted, they were men and women of God because they sort the heart of God.

So what does it mean to be a man of God? 

To seek to know him.

Manhood (at least in some small part)

I kind of want to do two things with this post. I want to have fun but I also want to dig deep. Unfortunately I am not very good at doing both simultaneously. As such my expectation is a catastrophic failure to do both. *wish me luck*

Today, I got asked a great question by one of the kids I teach. He asked me what it looked like to be "a man of God". What Christian male hasn't wondered this at some stage of their life? (probably quite a few but for my sake lets pretend everybody has- interestingly 'pretend' is going to be a bit of a key word in this post).

I do have an answer to that question and it is not as black and white as I once saw it. I used to think being a man of God looked like something. Theologically speaking being a man of God looks like someone- Jesus Christ (for those of you who are not Christians I mean the man rather than the exclamation). This is, of course, an accurate and true statement but not necessarily the most accessible. Yes Jesus was (and still is) a man and he did everything on earth from the place of his humanity rather than his deity but it still feels like being the incarnate Son of God gives you a bit of a leg up. Kind of like being the 17 year old kid playing rugby against 7 year olds... I digress.

There is really two parts to the question of "what does it look like to be a man of God?". The first part is what does it look like to be a man. This is a big question for all males.

My dad stopped living with our family when I was 13. He was still around and was always very supportive but one of the things I remember having to do as I was turning 15, 16 & 17 was figure out what kind of man I wanted to be and what that even meant. I didn't have my dad around for those moments and so I had to find a role model or a mentor to imitate, to learn from. I don't like asking for help (as that makes me weak and needy) and I don't like to make myself vulnerable to people I actually need/want something from (I know! I'm not sure how I'm single either). So I decided I would look at the characteristics that I admired most from people I respected and seek to emulate those character traits. In the end my greatest teachers were literary characters, both fictitious and real.

To pain the picture a little more clearly, these are the men I admired:

• Aragorn (Lord of the Rings)- Man of honour and valour. Lived by his convictions and died for those he believed in. A true man is self-sacrificing.
• Paul the Apostle (The Bible)- Bold, truth-driven and fierce. A man has convictions and stands up for what he believes in. Society does not sway a man, he sways society.
• Philip Yancey (Author)- Reflective, gentle, inquisitive. A man moved by grace understands his reliance and worth in God.
• Brennan Manning (Author and poet)- Broken, poetic, artistic. The brokenness of man reveals the depth of the love of God. A real man is honest, vulnerable and open.
• King David of Israel (The Bible)- Leader, prophet, king, courageous, capability personified. A man after God's own heart- yet an adulterer, murderer, coward and thief. A man is a complex mixture of abilities, gifts and shortcomings. 

These were some of my teachers. To put it more accurately these were the men who helped me transition from a boy to a man.

Unfortunately they all lack one thing- I could never talk to them. I could only identify something in them. To me, Jesus is not the answer to manhood because he was the quintessential man (although true) but because he is always present with us. Jesus is the embodiment of manhood (and femininity also) because he shows us how to live as sons to the one who created us. He takes us back to the one who defines who we are.

Manhood is not about looking like other guys. It's about being who our Father created us to be. I recently read this quote from an author and prophet by the name of Larry Randolph.

"Your ultimate purpose in life is achieved by being true to who you are, not by emulating the qualities you admire in others". 

Manhood is not some objective set of characteristics. Its about growing into the willingness to be known for who we were made to be....and to own it.

Each of the men I admire, I admire because they shine the beauty and purpose that God placed inside them. I am not called to be a king but I do believe I have been called to lead people and I hope to embody the leadership of Aragorn and King David. I may not have the eloquence of Yancey and Manning but I do love to talk about God and create opportunities for people to have an aesthetic experience of God. I do not have the mind and will of Paul but I long to be as single minded and passionate about the causes God would have me fight for. I am Nathan, son of God.

Leadership

I noticed something very simple about leadership tonight.

A good leader will be best identified by how little they are missed when they are gone.

Or to put it more positively- their influence upon those they have led will be sufficient to cover their absence once they have moved on.

Good leaders reproduce good leaders.