Drawing Hands

Drawing Hands
M. C. Escher

Thursday 27 October 2016

Stories

When I was burned out I never had anything to talk about. Nothing outside of my own internal torment really happened to me. Even when I was in places where things could potentially occur, I simply kept out of any situation where I could offend someone or they could reject or hurt me. It is a safe game but a dull one.

I've noticed that over the past week I have plenty to talk about in my life now. Strangely though, they all correspond with something that has caused me pain or discomfort.

I have really wanted my life to be more interesting but I didn't realise the key. If you want to be able to talk openly to people about what is going on in your life, you have to be willing to authentically and outwardly participate in the events of your surroundings.

This is not about having good stories to tell. By engaging with those around me and by being willing to express my thoughts and emotions I end up with stories that serve a twofold purpose. A conflict that refines and an acceptance that encourages who I am in this world.

Narrative

It's time to change the narrative of my life.

For too long I have defined myself by the burnout I suffered. It was significant and life altering but it has governed my thoughts and actions for long enough. I realised this the other night when I was attempting to meet someone and after sharing honestly the negatives I see in myself, they were a bit freaked out and walked away. The narrative I identified with was/is robbing me of hope.

It is no good to know you need to change your narrative if you have nothing better to replace it with. For a while now I have thought about what my narrative could be. I thought I might be able to invest into school, relationships, service of God again but one thing continues to stand out in my heart- humility.

It probably stands out because I have very little. I have heard humility defined as "a lowering of oneself" or "a preference of others above yourself". Both of these are accurate in their way but I don't know they capture the full idea. One of my favourite definitions is "humility is the willingness to be known for who you truly are". I like this because it suggests that my strengths and weaknesses were given to me by God and that I honour him when I accept my limitations and that I honour him when I enjoy success. In this case it isn't a denial of being good at anything there simply isn't any need to declare it.

However a friend of mine who blogs (who is much wiser, insightful and articulate than me- go to her blog at anotsoperfectperfectionist.com) put forward C.S. Lewis' quote regarding humility. I like it the most. I want to aspire to it.

Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all
"He will not be thinking about himself at all". This is the unspoken truth that has been bubbling up in my Spirit during my time with God each morning. I have an overactive mind that is fueled by perfectionistic tendencies and a desire to fix myself in order to help the world. My heart and desire are in the right place but as I learned today, if you don't show your heart how are people to know your desire?

My introspection although well intentioned is the very reason why I am not a humble man. I think I have to fix myself to help people. It would seem people just want a flawed person who is willing to take an interest in them.

I am an introspective perfectionist who truly just wants to help.

It's time to change the narrative. With the grace of God I could become a "man who will not be thinking about himself".

Sunday 23 October 2016

Hope

Losing hope is hard.

Finding hope again is even harder.

Judging the one you hoped in is human.

Finding his power to hope again is divine.


Come, Holy Spirit.


Restore hope in my hopelessness.

Release power in my desperation.

Reveal love in my brokenness.

Restore my soul.

Saturday 22 October 2016

Catharsis

This really is a process of catharsis for me. When you feel isolated (true or not) you need a way to express the thoughts and emotions you feel. This is mine. I partially apologise for that (as I know it is self-indulgent) but at the same time as I said in my first post- this whole process really is for me. I wish I was in a place where it was about communicating ideas but instead it is mostly cathartic.

I've had a few people lie to me lately. "Lie" is a bit harsh but they most certainly weren't honest with me. I have started being able to ask girls out again, which is a massive step forward for me, but instead of just saying "I'm not interested" or "I'm already interested in someone else" I get things like "now is not the right time for me" or "it's too soon". This, of course, would be fine if it were true. Sadly, these statements have been backed up by them simply dating another person a few days later. Please don't misunderstand me- their choices are their own and I respect that I am not going to be a person that every woman wants to date. Rather, my frustration is that I am not given the honour of being told the truth.

Of course it is disappointing (and depending on how invested I am- it hurts) but what is more disappointing and hurtful is that I wasn't deemed to be worthy of being told the truth. I understand they felt that they were sparing me the pain and disappointment but instead they magnified it.

I have said this before on here- you honour me when you tell me the truth (kindly and in love). You don't need to apologise to me for your decisions, you just have to trust me enough to allow me to respect it even if it hurts me.

Sunday 9 October 2016

Vulnerable

I hate feeling vulnerable.

I'm not talking about being honest and sharing information about myself. I don't find that vulnerable. To me that is connecting with people. I'm talking about standing in a crowd feeling like everything you are is on display. The good, the bad, the ugly and, in my case, unadulterated terror and insecurity.

That's what makes me feel vulnerable. That the judgments I have made against myself, the judgments that if you saw who I truly am, you would not want to connect with me. I think that is why I find it so hard to be in a social setting. I hate masks and really don't want to wear one but letting people see me without one is just too threatening. So maybe my mask is denial and cowardice.

The irony of it all is that I want to be known. I want to connect. More than anything in this world. I can't wear obvious masks and yet trying to connect deeply starts a conversation too intensely. I can't talk about myself honestly without being intense. I can't connect without talking about myself. I don't want lots of connection, I just want a few deep ones. If I'm honest I really want one truly meaningful relationship and some really healthy connections with a few key friendship circles.

Maybe this is too much information. Maybe I'm just an insecure idealist who hopes for the best but expects the worst. Maybe one day I'll meet the right person who loves that I'm intense....maybe.