For too long I have defined myself by the burnout I suffered. It was significant and life altering but it has governed my thoughts and actions for long enough. I realised this the other night when I was attempting to meet someone and after sharing honestly the negatives I see in myself, they were a bit freaked out and walked away. The narrative I identified with was/is robbing me of hope.
It is no good to know you need to change your narrative if you have nothing better to replace it with. For a while now I have thought about what my narrative could be. I thought I might be able to invest into school, relationships, service of God again but one thing continues to stand out in my heart- humility.
It probably stands out because I have very little. I have heard humility defined as "a lowering of oneself" or "a preference of others above yourself". Both of these are accurate in their way but I don't know they capture the full idea. One of my favourite definitions is "humility is the willingness to be known for who you truly are". I like this because it suggests that my strengths and weaknesses were given to me by God and that I honour him when I accept my limitations and that I honour him when I enjoy success. In this case it isn't a denial of being good at anything there simply isn't any need to declare it.
However a friend of mine who blogs (who is much wiser, insightful and articulate than me- go to her blog at anotsoperfectperfectionist.com) put forward C.S. Lewis' quote regarding humility. I like it the most. I want to aspire to it.
Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all"He will not be thinking about himself at all". This is the unspoken truth that has been bubbling up in my Spirit during my time with God each morning. I have an overactive mind that is fueled by perfectionistic tendencies and a desire to fix myself in order to help the world. My heart and desire are in the right place but as I learned today, if you don't show your heart how are people to know your desire?
My introspection although well intentioned is the very reason why I am not a humble man. I think I have to fix myself to help people. It would seem people just want a flawed person who is willing to take an interest in them.
I am an introspective perfectionist who truly just wants to help.
It's time to change the narrative. With the grace of God I could become a "man who will not be thinking about himself".
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