Gratefulness

I write a lot about melancholy things. It's mostly because I am self-absorbed and...well, melancholy.

I find it easy to express my thoughts and emotions concerning life's twists and turns. However, I have been challenged this year to think differently. The see my life and the world from the point of view of gratefulness.

I never thought myself to be an ungrateful person- although I knew that I could very easily be a negative one. I am not sure anyone makes a conscious decision to become ungrateful. However, little by little it is easy to feel like the victim of cosmic circumstances. This is not a defense of such actions, merely a statement that the road to ungratefulness is subtle, easy and strangely comforting.

In fairness, I feel like I have plenty of things to feel aggrieved about UNTIL I step back and actually take stock of my life. I'm 35 and single, I live by myself and regularly feel the vivid and bitter sting of loneliness, for seven years I couldn't talk to people or make new friendships and I still have no clear or purposeful vision for my future.

Of course, that's one way to look at it. I'm 35 and single, due to which I have been able to travel the world, live in foreign countries and invest in the pursuit of personal goals. I live by myself, meaning I own my own home (well the bank does) which I really like and have furnished it to suit my lifestyle and hobbies. I feel the vivid and bitter sting of loneliness, okay that sucks but maybe it's time I stepped out and allowed people into my life (and heart) again- it's my turn to initiate. I couldn't make friends for seven years, but I can now. I still have no clear or purposeful vision for my future, in other words- the world is my oyster, where would I like to go.

I'm grateful for the life I live. Yeah some things are tough but the opportunities plentiful. Yeah I lost my way and was easily seduced to walk the path of ungratefulness but I can see that now. So I only really have one question left to ask:

Where does my joy come from?

I don't have a fully formed answer for that one yet. The Christian in me wants to say it comes from the Lord but I really want to mean it if that is going to be my confession.

Where does your joy come from?