I just finished watching a TV series called the newsroom. It's brilliantly written and as I watched its final episode I did what I seem to do at the end of any show where the characters are well written- I cry.
I know it's fake and I know that these characters are not real but the thing I find hardest is that you get to see into the lives of these characters/people. You get to see what they do when they are alone and what they really think and feel- you get to see behind the mask. While I accept the irony of the following statement, it rings true- you get to who these people really are.
The reason I cry at the end of these shows is because I have to grieve people who have let me see them. In some false way, I connect with them and feel a sense of love, care and investment into their lives.
Some of you will probably find such an admission really sad. The reason why it is a truly sad statement is because that is what I long to find in real life but struggle to allow myself to do. I've said it before but I find it easy to be honest with people but hard to be vulnerable. To say it slightly differently, I struggle to live my life without having walls up around my heart.
I find that when I see others in candid, real and, perhaps, vulnerable moments I love them. It makes me feel safe and their candidness disarms and lowers the walls around my heart.
So in a somewhat strange and sad way I lost some friends today.
The reality is that real life is harder than fictional characters. It is scary to let your walls down and allow people to see you rightly, especially those who can and will hurt you. I guess that the enjoyment of watching other people's lives pales incredibly in comparison to the fulfillment of having people know, love and accept you.
Maybe it's time to let my walls down for those who can influence my life 24/7 rather than for 1hr approximately 20 times in my life.
Drawing Hands
M. C. Escher
Saturday, 24 December 2016
Thursday, 22 December 2016
The Gospel, Heresy and Indifference
Anyone who has ever had to sit down and talk with me about the church will have heard me regale them with the one thing I learned at bible college. (In fairness to the quality of education I received, I learned many more things- this is just my most used).
I grew up in the conservative church. Something I am very grateful for and indebted to. However, as part of the formation process I was always taught that heresy (false teaching or ideas about God from within or outside of the church) was the thing we were fighting against. Of course, Satan was the great exponent of heresy. After all, if you want to bring down an establishment you attack its core and heresy attacks the core beliefs of Christianity.
Heresy is often expressed as open defiance or disagreement with the central or key aspects of Christian belief. Barth believed that such questioning and disagreement from outsiders (and occasionally insiders) caused those in the church to reexamine and solidify their positions on why they believed what they believed. In other words, handled appropriately heresy acts as a purifying fire that helps to protect, refresh and renew correct doctrine. Barth even goes so far as to suggest that any healthy church will have heresy being expressed in and around it all the time. His reasons for this are best explained, I think, by his use of the term indifference. And the best way to illustrate this idea is by looking at Jesus' use of parables.
Most theologians agree that Jesus told parables in such a way so as to leave his audience with no ability to remain neutral. As people were listening to his stories Jesus would tell them in such a way that a person was forced to respond to the ideas being put forward. For example (although not strictly a parable) he tells his followers in John 6 that if they want to follow him they have to eat his flesh and drink his blood- no man listening to that can remain indifferent, it will evoke a response. The chapter actually says many stopped following him as a result of this teaching.
The point here is simple. When Jesus was telling parables he was not concerned by those who would openly question or deny his declaration (heresy/heretics). What he always avoided was allowing people to remain indifferent to his message (apathetic). The "heretics" (or those who believed differently to Jesus) were forced to ask questions, reject his belief or qualify their own beliefs as a result of his proclamation. What was not possible was the ability to think that what he had to say had no bearing on their life.
Indifference is such a great enemy to the church because it declares that we have not been preaching the gospel correctly. It is such a great enemy because those who need to be confronted with the truth of the gospel have not understood the gravity of the situation. When the church cannot break through the indifference of those outside it, it has failed in its mission. When the church embodies the indifference of the outside world in its own doctrine, it has let go of a part of the God that characterises it.
No church is perfect but if heresy is present within a church it is possibly because it has new (and some old) people in the church who are still forming a right view of the God they believe in. Heresy, in Barth's eyes, causes a church to grow and perform mission more succinctly that leads to new converts and more heresy. (This idea is not talking about an endemic heresy where the pastor/leader rejects central and key tenets of Christianity leading to cultism etc)
Indifference leads to a community that is disinterested in the message of God and a church that is asleep to the magnificence of their saviour.
There are a few flaws to this idea but I love its principles. Does your church have this kind of heresy in it? If not, has it grown indifferent as a result?
The one thing that sticks with me is an idea. Ideas, as we well know, are dangerous. I'm not sure Karl Marx envisaged that his ideas would lead to such suffering and in fairness I am not sure the father or mother of capitalism envisaged the damage that idea would do either. My ability to politically ostracise myself aside, the idea that stuck with me was from a "radical" theologian called Karl Barth. His idea was this:
"The greatest threat to the church is not heresy. Rather the greatest threat to the church is apathy and indifference."This thought has stuck with me. Barth was an incredibly intelligent man and, although he was not considered orthodox, I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on this idea.
I grew up in the conservative church. Something I am very grateful for and indebted to. However, as part of the formation process I was always taught that heresy (false teaching or ideas about God from within or outside of the church) was the thing we were fighting against. Of course, Satan was the great exponent of heresy. After all, if you want to bring down an establishment you attack its core and heresy attacks the core beliefs of Christianity.
Heresy is often expressed as open defiance or disagreement with the central or key aspects of Christian belief. Barth believed that such questioning and disagreement from outsiders (and occasionally insiders) caused those in the church to reexamine and solidify their positions on why they believed what they believed. In other words, handled appropriately heresy acts as a purifying fire that helps to protect, refresh and renew correct doctrine. Barth even goes so far as to suggest that any healthy church will have heresy being expressed in and around it all the time. His reasons for this are best explained, I think, by his use of the term indifference. And the best way to illustrate this idea is by looking at Jesus' use of parables.
Most theologians agree that Jesus told parables in such a way so as to leave his audience with no ability to remain neutral. As people were listening to his stories Jesus would tell them in such a way that a person was forced to respond to the ideas being put forward. For example (although not strictly a parable) he tells his followers in John 6 that if they want to follow him they have to eat his flesh and drink his blood- no man listening to that can remain indifferent, it will evoke a response. The chapter actually says many stopped following him as a result of this teaching.
The point here is simple. When Jesus was telling parables he was not concerned by those who would openly question or deny his declaration (heresy/heretics). What he always avoided was allowing people to remain indifferent to his message (apathetic). The "heretics" (or those who believed differently to Jesus) were forced to ask questions, reject his belief or qualify their own beliefs as a result of his proclamation. What was not possible was the ability to think that what he had to say had no bearing on their life.
Indifference is such a great enemy to the church because it declares that we have not been preaching the gospel correctly. It is such a great enemy because those who need to be confronted with the truth of the gospel have not understood the gravity of the situation. When the church cannot break through the indifference of those outside it, it has failed in its mission. When the church embodies the indifference of the outside world in its own doctrine, it has let go of a part of the God that characterises it.
No church is perfect but if heresy is present within a church it is possibly because it has new (and some old) people in the church who are still forming a right view of the God they believe in. Heresy, in Barth's eyes, causes a church to grow and perform mission more succinctly that leads to new converts and more heresy. (This idea is not talking about an endemic heresy where the pastor/leader rejects central and key tenets of Christianity leading to cultism etc)
Indifference leads to a community that is disinterested in the message of God and a church that is asleep to the magnificence of their saviour.
There are a few flaws to this idea but I love its principles. Does your church have this kind of heresy in it? If not, has it grown indifferent as a result?
Tuesday, 6 December 2016
Love and Loneliness
I sit at home tonight....alone.
Everything in me wants to feel sorry for myself. It's easier that way. The world is to blame and I am the victim. A sad thing happens to humanity when we feel this isolated- we seek to survive.
One person may want to run into a corner, curl up in a ball and rock themselves gently to sleep. Another person may choose to fight and take companionship by force- or desperate act.
I'm told relationships are hard. I bet they are. I don't have someone constantly challenging me to live a different way and to think of them. I'm told there is wonderful freedom in my current single state. I believe them, I'm just not sure it's better.
I believe one of the greatest truths to life is understanding that although Jesus came to set us free he lived by a greater conviction. Despite his glorious freedom, Jesus chose to give it up in order to love others. Love involves limitations. Not because it demands a laying down of freedom but because by nature some freedoms will become "counter-loving".
For example, if your spouse is anaphylactic then, although you may wish to occasionally indulge in peanuts, you choose to restrict that freedom out of love. It is ironic that in this place of constant sacrifice that we learn how fulfilling it can be to put others first and just why freedom pales in the presence of love. (In fairness to the philosophers/romantics- there is no true love without freedom. While cut from the same cloth, freedom is the foundation, love is the fullest expression). I guess to take this slightly further, the greatest expression of freedom is the ability not to use it. That's what makes love so meaningful.
My point is this. Freedom is great but limitations for the sake of love fulfill freedom. Therefore, tonight, despite my shocking inability to love others well, I'd prefer to be in the shoes of those who have someone to make life hard.
Everything in me wants to feel sorry for myself. It's easier that way. The world is to blame and I am the victim. A sad thing happens to humanity when we feel this isolated- we seek to survive.
One person may want to run into a corner, curl up in a ball and rock themselves gently to sleep. Another person may choose to fight and take companionship by force- or desperate act.
I'm told relationships are hard. I bet they are. I don't have someone constantly challenging me to live a different way and to think of them. I'm told there is wonderful freedom in my current single state. I believe them, I'm just not sure it's better.
I believe one of the greatest truths to life is understanding that although Jesus came to set us free he lived by a greater conviction. Despite his glorious freedom, Jesus chose to give it up in order to love others. Love involves limitations. Not because it demands a laying down of freedom but because by nature some freedoms will become "counter-loving".
For example, if your spouse is anaphylactic then, although you may wish to occasionally indulge in peanuts, you choose to restrict that freedom out of love. It is ironic that in this place of constant sacrifice that we learn how fulfilling it can be to put others first and just why freedom pales in the presence of love. (In fairness to the philosophers/romantics- there is no true love without freedom. While cut from the same cloth, freedom is the foundation, love is the fullest expression). I guess to take this slightly further, the greatest expression of freedom is the ability not to use it. That's what makes love so meaningful.
My point is this. Freedom is great but limitations for the sake of love fulfill freedom. Therefore, tonight, despite my shocking inability to love others well, I'd prefer to be in the shoes of those who have someone to make life hard.
Tuesday, 22 November 2016
Perception
Perception is a strange thing. It is strange for one simple reason- it can be easily altered. Perceptions are like the lenses of a pair of glasses- the lens shapes the image of the world and after a while your brain interprets it as the reality of how the world is.
I work with people who perceive themselves very differently to how I see them. There are some that are incredibly loving, capable and sacrificial who believe themselves to be poor teachers. There are others who are outgoing, verbose and self-obsessed who believe themselves to be the best...human... beings...ever.
The reality, of course, is that both are looking through glasses that are tainted (or at least shaped) by a host of factors.
So here is my question- how does one see themselves rightly? and, is there such a thing as an objective set of criteria by which one might see themselves rightly?
I look at the prevailing philosophy of today which says being yourself and being okay with it is seeing yourself rightly. The problem with such subjectivity is that one does not normally know who they are let alone how to be okay with it. Those who claim being okay with themselves and who 'are just being me' are usually expressively indulgent and/or strangely angry with the world.
I guess I just wonder whether 'being ourselves' is like wearing the same pair of glasses for a long time- we just accept that this is the way things are.
I have one big problem with this view of life- it sucks. I once needed glasses and when I had put on the correct prescription which enabled me to look at the world rightly, I was amazed at how beautiful and clear everything looked. I had become used to an inferior way of viewing the world.
The lenses we wear (and perceptions we have) massively impact our lives.
Psychologists and philosophers alike acknowledge that at our core it is our beliefs that shape our lives. Our beliefs are our lenses. This, of course, opens up a completely new can of worms.
This is why it is vital for the world to have an objective set of beliefs to help us see ourselves rightly.
I can't help but think that maybe we don't like change and really enjoy (need) feeling comfortable wearing our current set of glasses.
I work with people who perceive themselves very differently to how I see them. There are some that are incredibly loving, capable and sacrificial who believe themselves to be poor teachers. There are others who are outgoing, verbose and self-obsessed who believe themselves to be the best...human... beings...ever.
The reality, of course, is that both are looking through glasses that are tainted (or at least shaped) by a host of factors.
So here is my question- how does one see themselves rightly? and, is there such a thing as an objective set of criteria by which one might see themselves rightly?
I look at the prevailing philosophy of today which says being yourself and being okay with it is seeing yourself rightly. The problem with such subjectivity is that one does not normally know who they are let alone how to be okay with it. Those who claim being okay with themselves and who 'are just being me' are usually expressively indulgent and/or strangely angry with the world.
I guess I just wonder whether 'being ourselves' is like wearing the same pair of glasses for a long time- we just accept that this is the way things are.
I have one big problem with this view of life- it sucks. I once needed glasses and when I had put on the correct prescription which enabled me to look at the world rightly, I was amazed at how beautiful and clear everything looked. I had become used to an inferior way of viewing the world.
The lenses we wear (and perceptions we have) massively impact our lives.
Psychologists and philosophers alike acknowledge that at our core it is our beliefs that shape our lives. Our beliefs are our lenses. This, of course, opens up a completely new can of worms.
This is why it is vital for the world to have an objective set of beliefs to help us see ourselves rightly.
I can't help but think that maybe we don't like change and really enjoy (need) feeling comfortable wearing our current set of glasses.
Wednesday, 16 November 2016
Celebration
I think people are meant to be celebrated.
Not all people do things or become things we would want to celebrate but I think all people are meant to be celebrated.
The key question is why. Fortunately for this question there is a simple answer.
It's just easiest to celebrate those who look most like the Jesus we see.
I think all people are meant to be celebrated.
Not all people do things or become things we would want to celebrate but I think all people are meant to be celebrated.
The key question is why. Fortunately for this question there is a simple answer.
God made them in his image.
It's just easiest to celebrate those who look most like the Jesus we see.
I think all people are meant to be celebrated.
Sunday, 6 November 2016
Handbags and Entitlement
I remember being in a shopping center with my mum when I was a kid. I would only have been about 6 at the time. I was walking with her hanging on to the white handbag she had over her shoulder. As events would have it, I was distracted by something I saw as we were walking and I left my mother's handbag to investigate. Once I had finished my investigation I returned to what I thought was her white handbag. It turns out it was not. I was lost and I got scared very quickly.
At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I have been lost within myself for the last 5 years. I am a man who thrives on vision and I have had none for a long time now. I have felt very lost and I thought this lack of vision was at the core of my issue. I now realise that assumption was and is wrong.
I thought my burnout (and subsequent behavioural and emotional issues) stole the vision from my life. Now that I am through that I have come to realise that vision is not my problem but rather attitude.
I have really struggled to follow God well and walk with him purely because I simply haven't wanted to. The context is simple. I followed God, it was fun. I followed God some more and it was painful. Following God cost me greatly. That pain shattered my perception of God and, subsequently, myself. I got really angry (without knowing it- strange but true) and decided that although I wanted to follow Him I was not willing to pay the cost anymore until he gave me what I felt I deserved from the last effort. In essence I have been trying to hold God to ransom for 5 years. I'm still there and I'm sure you can guess how that's worked out for me.
So here is the problem. I'm not lost. I'm tired, angry and unwilling to pay the cost of following Jesus obediently. In a part of my heart, I really want to follow Christ but the moment things get hard, I revert back to being a hurt and entitled child.
At the end of my story as a 6 year old, I was trained by mum to find the concierge desk and have them page her. A kind lady helped me find the desk and page my mum. I wish this fear and pain was as easy to deal with.
Sadly, I'm not lost.
I'm discouraged.
At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I have been lost within myself for the last 5 years. I am a man who thrives on vision and I have had none for a long time now. I have felt very lost and I thought this lack of vision was at the core of my issue. I now realise that assumption was and is wrong.
I thought my burnout (and subsequent behavioural and emotional issues) stole the vision from my life. Now that I am through that I have come to realise that vision is not my problem but rather attitude.
I have really struggled to follow God well and walk with him purely because I simply haven't wanted to. The context is simple. I followed God, it was fun. I followed God some more and it was painful. Following God cost me greatly. That pain shattered my perception of God and, subsequently, myself. I got really angry (without knowing it- strange but true) and decided that although I wanted to follow Him I was not willing to pay the cost anymore until he gave me what I felt I deserved from the last effort. In essence I have been trying to hold God to ransom for 5 years. I'm still there and I'm sure you can guess how that's worked out for me.
So here is the problem. I'm not lost. I'm tired, angry and unwilling to pay the cost of following Jesus obediently. In a part of my heart, I really want to follow Christ but the moment things get hard, I revert back to being a hurt and entitled child.
At the end of my story as a 6 year old, I was trained by mum to find the concierge desk and have them page her. A kind lady helped me find the desk and page my mum. I wish this fear and pain was as easy to deal with.
Sadly, I'm not lost.
I'm discouraged.
Thursday, 27 October 2016
Stories
When I was burned out I never had anything to talk about. Nothing outside of my own internal torment really happened to me. Even when I was in places where things could potentially occur, I simply kept out of any situation where I could offend someone or they could reject or hurt me. It is a safe game but a dull one.
I've noticed that over the past week I have plenty to talk about in my life now. Strangely though, they all correspond with something that has caused me pain or discomfort.
I have really wanted my life to be more interesting but I didn't realise the key. If you want to be able to talk openly to people about what is going on in your life, you have to be willing to authentically and outwardly participate in the events of your surroundings.
This is not about having good stories to tell. By engaging with those around me and by being willing to express my thoughts and emotions I end up with stories that serve a twofold purpose. A conflict that refines and an acceptance that encourages who I am in this world.
I've noticed that over the past week I have plenty to talk about in my life now. Strangely though, they all correspond with something that has caused me pain or discomfort.
I have really wanted my life to be more interesting but I didn't realise the key. If you want to be able to talk openly to people about what is going on in your life, you have to be willing to authentically and outwardly participate in the events of your surroundings.
This is not about having good stories to tell. By engaging with those around me and by being willing to express my thoughts and emotions I end up with stories that serve a twofold purpose. A conflict that refines and an acceptance that encourages who I am in this world.
Narrative
It's time to change the narrative of my life.
For too long I have defined myself by the burnout I suffered. It was significant and life altering but it has governed my thoughts and actions for long enough. I realised this the other night when I was attempting to meet someone and after sharing honestly the negatives I see in myself, they were a bit freaked out and walked away. The narrative I identified with was/is robbing me of hope.
It is no good to know you need to change your narrative if you have nothing better to replace it with. For a while now I have thought about what my narrative could be. I thought I might be able to invest into school, relationships, service of God again but one thing continues to stand out in my heart- humility.
It probably stands out because I have very little. I have heard humility defined as "a lowering of oneself" or "a preference of others above yourself". Both of these are accurate in their way but I don't know they capture the full idea. One of my favourite definitions is "humility is the willingness to be known for who you truly are". I like this because it suggests that my strengths and weaknesses were given to me by God and that I honour him when I accept my limitations and that I honour him when I enjoy success. In this case it isn't a denial of being good at anything there simply isn't any need to declare it.
However a friend of mine who blogs (who is much wiser, insightful and articulate than me- go to her blog at anotsoperfectperfectionist.com) put forward C.S. Lewis' quote regarding humility. I like it the most. I want to aspire to it.
My introspection although well intentioned is the very reason why I am not a humble man. I think I have to fix myself to help people. It would seem people just want a flawed person who is willing to take an interest in them.
I am an introspective perfectionist who truly just wants to help.
It's time to change the narrative. With the grace of God I could become a "man who will not be thinking about himself".
For too long I have defined myself by the burnout I suffered. It was significant and life altering but it has governed my thoughts and actions for long enough. I realised this the other night when I was attempting to meet someone and after sharing honestly the negatives I see in myself, they were a bit freaked out and walked away. The narrative I identified with was/is robbing me of hope.
It is no good to know you need to change your narrative if you have nothing better to replace it with. For a while now I have thought about what my narrative could be. I thought I might be able to invest into school, relationships, service of God again but one thing continues to stand out in my heart- humility.
It probably stands out because I have very little. I have heard humility defined as "a lowering of oneself" or "a preference of others above yourself". Both of these are accurate in their way but I don't know they capture the full idea. One of my favourite definitions is "humility is the willingness to be known for who you truly are". I like this because it suggests that my strengths and weaknesses were given to me by God and that I honour him when I accept my limitations and that I honour him when I enjoy success. In this case it isn't a denial of being good at anything there simply isn't any need to declare it.
However a friend of mine who blogs (who is much wiser, insightful and articulate than me- go to her blog at anotsoperfectperfectionist.com) put forward C.S. Lewis' quote regarding humility. I like it the most. I want to aspire to it.
Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all"He will not be thinking about himself at all". This is the unspoken truth that has been bubbling up in my Spirit during my time with God each morning. I have an overactive mind that is fueled by perfectionistic tendencies and a desire to fix myself in order to help the world. My heart and desire are in the right place but as I learned today, if you don't show your heart how are people to know your desire?
My introspection although well intentioned is the very reason why I am not a humble man. I think I have to fix myself to help people. It would seem people just want a flawed person who is willing to take an interest in them.
I am an introspective perfectionist who truly just wants to help.
It's time to change the narrative. With the grace of God I could become a "man who will not be thinking about himself".
Sunday, 23 October 2016
Hope
Losing hope is hard.
Finding hope again is even harder.
Judging the one you hoped in is human.
Finding his power to hope again is divine.
Come, Holy Spirit.
Restore hope in my hopelessness.
Release power in my desperation.
Reveal love in my brokenness.
Restore my soul.
Finding hope again is even harder.
Judging the one you hoped in is human.
Finding his power to hope again is divine.
Come, Holy Spirit.
Restore hope in my hopelessness.
Release power in my desperation.
Reveal love in my brokenness.
Restore my soul.
Saturday, 22 October 2016
Catharsis
This really is a process of catharsis for me. When you feel isolated (true or not) you need a way to express the thoughts and emotions you feel. This is mine. I partially apologise for that (as I know it is self-indulgent) but at the same time as I said in my first post- this whole process really is for me. I wish I was in a place where it was about communicating ideas but instead it is mostly cathartic.
I've had a few people lie to me lately. "Lie" is a bit harsh but they most certainly weren't honest with me. I have started being able to ask girls out again, which is a massive step forward for me, but instead of just saying "I'm not interested" or "I'm already interested in someone else" I get things like "now is not the right time for me" or "it's too soon". This, of course, would be fine if it were true. Sadly, these statements have been backed up by them simply dating another person a few days later. Please don't misunderstand me- their choices are their own and I respect that I am not going to be a person that every woman wants to date. Rather, my frustration is that I am not given the honour of being told the truth.
Of course it is disappointing (and depending on how invested I am- it hurts) but what is more disappointing and hurtful is that I wasn't deemed to be worthy of being told the truth. I understand they felt that they were sparing me the pain and disappointment but instead they magnified it.
I have said this before on here- you honour me when you tell me the truth (kindly and in love). You don't need to apologise to me for your decisions, you just have to trust me enough to allow me to respect it even if it hurts me.
I've had a few people lie to me lately. "Lie" is a bit harsh but they most certainly weren't honest with me. I have started being able to ask girls out again, which is a massive step forward for me, but instead of just saying "I'm not interested" or "I'm already interested in someone else" I get things like "now is not the right time for me" or "it's too soon". This, of course, would be fine if it were true. Sadly, these statements have been backed up by them simply dating another person a few days later. Please don't misunderstand me- their choices are their own and I respect that I am not going to be a person that every woman wants to date. Rather, my frustration is that I am not given the honour of being told the truth.
Of course it is disappointing (and depending on how invested I am- it hurts) but what is more disappointing and hurtful is that I wasn't deemed to be worthy of being told the truth. I understand they felt that they were sparing me the pain and disappointment but instead they magnified it.
I have said this before on here- you honour me when you tell me the truth (kindly and in love). You don't need to apologise to me for your decisions, you just have to trust me enough to allow me to respect it even if it hurts me.
Sunday, 9 October 2016
Vulnerable
I hate feeling vulnerable.
I'm not talking about being honest and sharing information about myself. I don't find that vulnerable. To me that is connecting with people. I'm talking about standing in a crowd feeling like everything you are is on display. The good, the bad, the ugly and, in my case, unadulterated terror and insecurity.
That's what makes me feel vulnerable. That the judgments I have made against myself, the judgments that if you saw who I truly am, you would not want to connect with me. I think that is why I find it so hard to be in a social setting. I hate masks and really don't want to wear one but letting people see me without one is just too threatening. So maybe my mask is denial and cowardice.
The irony of it all is that I want to be known. I want to connect. More than anything in this world. I can't wear obvious masks and yet trying to connect deeply starts a conversation too intensely. I can't talk about myself honestly without being intense. I can't connect without talking about myself. I don't want lots of connection, I just want a few deep ones. If I'm honest I really want one truly meaningful relationship and some really healthy connections with a few key friendship circles.
Maybe this is too much information. Maybe I'm just an insecure idealist who hopes for the best but expects the worst. Maybe one day I'll meet the right person who loves that I'm intense....maybe.
I'm not talking about being honest and sharing information about myself. I don't find that vulnerable. To me that is connecting with people. I'm talking about standing in a crowd feeling like everything you are is on display. The good, the bad, the ugly and, in my case, unadulterated terror and insecurity.
That's what makes me feel vulnerable. That the judgments I have made against myself, the judgments that if you saw who I truly am, you would not want to connect with me. I think that is why I find it so hard to be in a social setting. I hate masks and really don't want to wear one but letting people see me without one is just too threatening. So maybe my mask is denial and cowardice.
The irony of it all is that I want to be known. I want to connect. More than anything in this world. I can't wear obvious masks and yet trying to connect deeply starts a conversation too intensely. I can't talk about myself honestly without being intense. I can't connect without talking about myself. I don't want lots of connection, I just want a few deep ones. If I'm honest I really want one truly meaningful relationship and some really healthy connections with a few key friendship circles.
Maybe this is too much information. Maybe I'm just an insecure idealist who hopes for the best but expects the worst. Maybe one day I'll meet the right person who loves that I'm intense....maybe.
Thursday, 15 September 2016
When I grow up
Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up?
I suspect like me you had a many ideations along the way. I wanted to be a pilot, a professional football player and a teacher. There were others of course but I cannot remember them. I know that as we grow older we become more at home with our areas of interest and strength. Or at least we are meant to. The truth is that I still have the same desires and urges to be a multitude of things. Honestly I think I have simply become less optimistic about the eventualities of life. I've also possibly become more sophisticated at hiding my hopes in the subtext of my other actions.
Maybe this post is a confession. I love teaching but I want to be a few other things while I am teaching.
I would love to be a philosopher. A carrier of truth, depth and thought about life and its machinations. At the same time I would love to be an artist. I don't mean a painter or sculptor, I mean someone who captures an essence, an aesthetic, in the things he does in order to move the heart of the person who encounters it.
Everybody loves a story, but a story told with depth and artistry moves a person's very being. It disrupts and sends echoes of beauty to the very core of our humanity. It acknowledges a truth that is innately grasped.
I think true theology is a divine meeting of philosophy and art. Encountering a God who joins himself to us while pointing us to the reality of who he is- that is beauty and truth. The creator of beauty and the originator of truth. God: the philosophy and art of life.
So maybe its not who I am but who I know that will enable me to grow into the person I want to be.
So instead of:
maybe it's:
I suspect like me you had a many ideations along the way. I wanted to be a pilot, a professional football player and a teacher. There were others of course but I cannot remember them. I know that as we grow older we become more at home with our areas of interest and strength. Or at least we are meant to. The truth is that I still have the same desires and urges to be a multitude of things. Honestly I think I have simply become less optimistic about the eventualities of life. I've also possibly become more sophisticated at hiding my hopes in the subtext of my other actions.
Maybe this post is a confession. I love teaching but I want to be a few other things while I am teaching.
I would love to be a philosopher. A carrier of truth, depth and thought about life and its machinations. At the same time I would love to be an artist. I don't mean a painter or sculptor, I mean someone who captures an essence, an aesthetic, in the things he does in order to move the heart of the person who encounters it.
Everybody loves a story, but a story told with depth and artistry moves a person's very being. It disrupts and sends echoes of beauty to the very core of our humanity. It acknowledges a truth that is innately grasped.
I think true theology is a divine meeting of philosophy and art. Encountering a God who joins himself to us while pointing us to the reality of who he is- that is beauty and truth. The creator of beauty and the originator of truth. God: the philosophy and art of life.
So maybe its not who I am but who I know that will enable me to grow into the person I want to be.
So instead of:
'that's what I want to be when I grow up',
maybe it's:
'that's who I want to know so that I can grow up'.
Thursday, 8 September 2016
Conflict
Conflict is one of those inevitable things in life. At some stage you will have some.
Today was one of those days. It was not a bad thing. It was a disagreement over teaching convictions and teaching practices. The conflict got heated, things were said, people were passionate and then things settled back down. It followed a familiar pattern and in the grand scheme of conflict it was mild. But conflict never seems mild. I think for most people (and definitely for me) there is something highly threatening about it.
Truth be told, I left today's conflict not overly concerned intellectually but distinctly confronted emotionally. I've noticed a trend. Ever since my burn out, I cannot face conflict. And I don't just mean conflict that I am in. If I am in the same room as conflict it makes me feel very threatened, uncomfortable and scared.
One of the great things that has come about as a result of having nothing to give emotionally, is that I realised just how much of a person of feelings I truly am. The flip side of it is that there are certain feelings, certain emotions that cause me a great deal of anxiety. I am unsure as to whether I have felt these emotions before. I feel like I have felt them but they never used to be so heightened or threatening. Conflict sends my heart into overdrive.
There is a belief that I picked up as a result of my time in America. I believed the reason I couldn't get along with people was that there was something wrong with me. That is a harsh, and very false, cross to bear. Conflict challenges this belief. It causes me to regress into believing the reason I am in conflict is because there is something wrong with me. (It can even go so far as to say that other people are in conflict because I was not able to help them solve their issues). Conflict causes me to feel like I am the problem. That, my friends, is a horrible place to be. It means that I have to avoid conflict at all costs, otherwise I am going to be rejected and deemed unlovable. (I am not looking for pity in this, it is simply an expression of how I subconsciously process these strong emotions).
It might be easiest to conclude that life lived in relationship with others is just too hard and something to be avoided if possible. Perhaps I could believe that if it weren't for tonight.
After the events of this day I came home to an empty house. I enjoy solitude but I do not enjoy isolation. The other two people who were in this conflict with me I am sure went home feeling a sense of stress and tension as a result of the day. I certainly did. Each went home with their respective wives and their respective families. Each could debrief the incident and share their thoughts and emotions in a way that helped them to decompress. I came home to my thoughts. The very same thoughts that link conflict with rejection and a lack of worth. My point is not to make you feel sorry for me, my point is that even though it was relationship that caused me hardship, it would have been relationship that helped me to feel human in that conflict. It is in relationship that we get to be challenged, grow and be supported. In this regard I should value the conflict I had today.
Who knows, it might be relationship that teaches me how to see conflict as an opportunity for growth rather than rejection. If that is the case, I might be the one cowering in the corner a few times hoping that the noise in my soul would go away.
Today was one of those days. It was not a bad thing. It was a disagreement over teaching convictions and teaching practices. The conflict got heated, things were said, people were passionate and then things settled back down. It followed a familiar pattern and in the grand scheme of conflict it was mild. But conflict never seems mild. I think for most people (and definitely for me) there is something highly threatening about it.
Truth be told, I left today's conflict not overly concerned intellectually but distinctly confronted emotionally. I've noticed a trend. Ever since my burn out, I cannot face conflict. And I don't just mean conflict that I am in. If I am in the same room as conflict it makes me feel very threatened, uncomfortable and scared.
One of the great things that has come about as a result of having nothing to give emotionally, is that I realised just how much of a person of feelings I truly am. The flip side of it is that there are certain feelings, certain emotions that cause me a great deal of anxiety. I am unsure as to whether I have felt these emotions before. I feel like I have felt them but they never used to be so heightened or threatening. Conflict sends my heart into overdrive.
There is a belief that I picked up as a result of my time in America. I believed the reason I couldn't get along with people was that there was something wrong with me. That is a harsh, and very false, cross to bear. Conflict challenges this belief. It causes me to regress into believing the reason I am in conflict is because there is something wrong with me. (It can even go so far as to say that other people are in conflict because I was not able to help them solve their issues). Conflict causes me to feel like I am the problem. That, my friends, is a horrible place to be. It means that I have to avoid conflict at all costs, otherwise I am going to be rejected and deemed unlovable. (I am not looking for pity in this, it is simply an expression of how I subconsciously process these strong emotions).
It might be easiest to conclude that life lived in relationship with others is just too hard and something to be avoided if possible. Perhaps I could believe that if it weren't for tonight.
After the events of this day I came home to an empty house. I enjoy solitude but I do not enjoy isolation. The other two people who were in this conflict with me I am sure went home feeling a sense of stress and tension as a result of the day. I certainly did. Each went home with their respective wives and their respective families. Each could debrief the incident and share their thoughts and emotions in a way that helped them to decompress. I came home to my thoughts. The very same thoughts that link conflict with rejection and a lack of worth. My point is not to make you feel sorry for me, my point is that even though it was relationship that caused me hardship, it would have been relationship that helped me to feel human in that conflict. It is in relationship that we get to be challenged, grow and be supported. In this regard I should value the conflict I had today.
Who knows, it might be relationship that teaches me how to see conflict as an opportunity for growth rather than rejection. If that is the case, I might be the one cowering in the corner a few times hoping that the noise in my soul would go away.
Saturday, 3 September 2016
Keystone Hobbies
One of the strangest side effects of my burn out has been a loss of enjoyable hobbies. I used to love doing things outside such as playing sports and running. I enjoyed playing card and board games. I used to do things.
I no longer have these things. I don't know where my hobbies went. They were there when I last checked but I lost them somewhere along the way...I've already checked behind the couch.
When you shut down one aspect of your life, it seems others shut down with it. It's like Ecology (I'm a Biology teacher after all). When one part of an ecosystem is affected you just never know what the flow on effect will be. There is an organism within any ecosystem which is considered to be vital to its health and success- it's called a Keystone species. Without this species the ecosystem loses stability and slowly changes or dies. Maybe Risk was my keystone species. Perhaps as a result of letting go of some of my hobbies, I let go of my creativity.
When I have down time now, I only do one of a few things. I either play playstation, watch TV or search the internet for something stimulating. My ecosystem is out of whack. It lacks diversity and, as a result, health.
I need to find a keystone hobby. My new hobbies are enjoyable but happen too often. If you have any good suggestions for me I'd be happy to give them some consideration.
I no longer have these things. I don't know where my hobbies went. They were there when I last checked but I lost them somewhere along the way...I've already checked behind the couch.
When you shut down one aspect of your life, it seems others shut down with it. It's like Ecology (I'm a Biology teacher after all). When one part of an ecosystem is affected you just never know what the flow on effect will be. There is an organism within any ecosystem which is considered to be vital to its health and success- it's called a Keystone species. Without this species the ecosystem loses stability and slowly changes or dies. Maybe Risk was my keystone species. Perhaps as a result of letting go of some of my hobbies, I let go of my creativity.
When I have down time now, I only do one of a few things. I either play playstation, watch TV or search the internet for something stimulating. My ecosystem is out of whack. It lacks diversity and, as a result, health.
I need to find a keystone hobby. My new hobbies are enjoyable but happen too often. If you have any good suggestions for me I'd be happy to give them some consideration.
Monday, 29 August 2016
Why I am a great listener...Just not all the time
I once did a personality test called the life languages test. In it there are seven categories that you get ranked in on a scale of 1-100. The higher the score the more you communicate yourself through that language.
The seven categories were (from my strongest to my weakest)
Each language has a key motivator and a key question (or so I am told). I loved the key question of the contemplator:
This happens a lot with me. I start conversations with people and then realise I have stopped listening to them 10 seconds later. It turns out that making puns in my head is more interesting than what someone consumed for dinner last night.
It makes me wonder why I even ask small talk questions.
I guess the truth is that I genuinely want to get to know people but that I don't genuinely care about the "little things". This, of course, is a relative term but I want to get to know the real person inside not the bland, boring coating of pleasantries. (Yes I am fully aware that you have to earn that right by embracing people in those things...I don't make the best first impression).
My point is this. If you are talking to me and I tune out- I'm sorry. I don't mean to. I am subconsciously telling you that I am bored and want to talk of deeper and more meaningful things. I won't have earned that privilege but I promise you'll find me much more palatable if we can get there.
The seven categories were (from my strongest to my weakest)
- Shaper- Mould situations through leading people to conclude based upon evidence etc.
- Contemplator- Rich thought life. Quiet, slow to move but usually accurate.
- Mover- Likes to make things happen and happen quickly.
- Producer- Likes to get things done but in the sense of getting results and producing the largest yield.
- Responder- Responds to the needs of others and loves caring for people.
- Doer- Loves to simply keep themselves busy and do tasks.
- Influencer- Loves to lead people through suggestion and charisma.
Each language has a key motivator and a key question (or so I am told). I loved the key question of the contemplator:
"Do I need to know this?"This is a great question. If for no other reason than to weigh up the validity and importance of what a person is saying. If I believe I do need to know it- my attention will be all yours. The negative side though, is that, a contemplator, after asking this question and deciding it is not necessary, will go back to thinking about something that warrants their time, attention and energy. As such, they will no longer listen to what you are talking about.
This happens a lot with me. I start conversations with people and then realise I have stopped listening to them 10 seconds later. It turns out that making puns in my head is more interesting than what someone consumed for dinner last night.
It makes me wonder why I even ask small talk questions.
I guess the truth is that I genuinely want to get to know people but that I don't genuinely care about the "little things". This, of course, is a relative term but I want to get to know the real person inside not the bland, boring coating of pleasantries. (Yes I am fully aware that you have to earn that right by embracing people in those things...I don't make the best first impression).
My point is this. If you are talking to me and I tune out- I'm sorry. I don't mean to. I am subconsciously telling you that I am bored and want to talk of deeper and more meaningful things. I won't have earned that privilege but I promise you'll find me much more palatable if we can get there.
Milleresque
I really enjoy reading Donald Miller books.
I once decided that I was going to write a book and I did a lot of the ground work for the ideas and what would go in each chapter. That was until I picked up Miller's book "Searching for God knows what". He stole my book idea! I don't know how he invented time travel, as his book was written 7 years before mine, but I know he stole my ideas. Truthfully though, He had written 7 of my 12 chapters and in a way I could only dream of writing.
I like Miller because he is funny, insightful and easy to digest (not that I have tried to digest him). He comes up with cool titles for his chapters such as "Lifeboat Theory: How to kill your Neighbour" and "Naked: Why Nudity is the point". He even has a formula that just works for my sensibilities- tell a story, link that story to an idea, teach the idea, bring it all back together.
There were a few months where I started writing daily reflections that followed a similar format. I don't remember most of them now but I am fairly sure I entitled one "Swimming Upstream: How people are like bears". Catchy hey.
Tonight I thought I could write another Milleresque entry. That was until I realised I couldn't think of anything particularly catchy. Instead I thought I'd write about how I couldn't think of anything to write about. Cyclical really.....Maybe I could have called this post "Cyclical: Why Simba and I are alike".
Nonetheless, I think I will try and write some of these soon. Who knows, maybe another book idea will spring to mind. Or maybe it will just lead to another pointless post.
I once decided that I was going to write a book and I did a lot of the ground work for the ideas and what would go in each chapter. That was until I picked up Miller's book "Searching for God knows what". He stole my book idea! I don't know how he invented time travel, as his book was written 7 years before mine, but I know he stole my ideas. Truthfully though, He had written 7 of my 12 chapters and in a way I could only dream of writing.
I like Miller because he is funny, insightful and easy to digest (not that I have tried to digest him). He comes up with cool titles for his chapters such as "Lifeboat Theory: How to kill your Neighbour" and "Naked: Why Nudity is the point". He even has a formula that just works for my sensibilities- tell a story, link that story to an idea, teach the idea, bring it all back together.
There were a few months where I started writing daily reflections that followed a similar format. I don't remember most of them now but I am fairly sure I entitled one "Swimming Upstream: How people are like bears". Catchy hey.
Tonight I thought I could write another Milleresque entry. That was until I realised I couldn't think of anything particularly catchy. Instead I thought I'd write about how I couldn't think of anything to write about. Cyclical really.....Maybe I could have called this post "Cyclical: Why Simba and I are alike".
Nonetheless, I think I will try and write some of these soon. Who knows, maybe another book idea will spring to mind. Or maybe it will just lead to another pointless post.
Monday, 22 August 2016
The Value of No
No.
It's a small word. In many respects it is one of the easiest words on this earth to say. Yet it is a word that I don't think I hear enough....at least not said to me.
This may come as a surprise to those who know me, but one of my greatest fears in life is to give and receive pain/painful experiences. In truth I am rather crippled by the fear that lurks at the inevitable rejection causing someone pain leads to. As such, no is a scary word.
Think about it. It has probably led to some of your most painful experiences in life. You may have once asked the question "do you love me?" only for its response to be "no". Perhaps it was "are we pregnant yet?"..."no". "Doctor is he/she going to live?"....you get the picture.
'No' carries a weight and finality that we wish it didn't.
Yet at the same time 'no' can simply be temporary- a road block. "Mum can I please have a bike?". The answer was no but 6 months later there you are riding like a maniac. Perhaps it was a job interview where one firm said no but 3 interviews later another firm said yes.
However, there are on occasion, times where no is the best word in the world. "Dad can I use that chainsaw?". "Hey Nathan, have you ever heard of the band One Direction?". And my personal favourite "Nathan would you like a cup of coffee?"....NO!
Here is my problem with society at the moment. Some people are not willing to say no to each other. As I outlined earlier, I get why it is a scary word but I can't help but feel we have cowarded (yes it is now a verb) out of saying it.
I have recently been talking with people via text messages and through facebook and have asked them to do things. Instead of telling me no they simply fail to reply.
How is this honouring? How does this communicate that I have value and worth to them?
Telling me no may disappoint me but it will not suggest a person doesn't care about me (unless of course the question was do you care about me? In which case it is pretty damning). Telling someone no conveys a respect that they at least deserve your honesty and acknowledgement. If I have to say no to you it is not because I am a jerk (although sometimes I am) but because I think highly enough of you as a person to let you know where I stand in regards to your proposition.
I don't like to say no but sometimes it is the only correct course of action.
If you love, honour and care for someone, no will end up being one of the most meaningful words in your vocabulary. Use it wisely.
It's a small word. In many respects it is one of the easiest words on this earth to say. Yet it is a word that I don't think I hear enough....at least not said to me.
This may come as a surprise to those who know me, but one of my greatest fears in life is to give and receive pain/painful experiences. In truth I am rather crippled by the fear that lurks at the inevitable rejection causing someone pain leads to. As such, no is a scary word.
Think about it. It has probably led to some of your most painful experiences in life. You may have once asked the question "do you love me?" only for its response to be "no". Perhaps it was "are we pregnant yet?"..."no". "Doctor is he/she going to live?"....you get the picture.
'No' carries a weight and finality that we wish it didn't.
Yet at the same time 'no' can simply be temporary- a road block. "Mum can I please have a bike?". The answer was no but 6 months later there you are riding like a maniac. Perhaps it was a job interview where one firm said no but 3 interviews later another firm said yes.
However, there are on occasion, times where no is the best word in the world. "Dad can I use that chainsaw?". "Hey Nathan, have you ever heard of the band One Direction?". And my personal favourite "Nathan would you like a cup of coffee?"....NO!
Here is my problem with society at the moment. Some people are not willing to say no to each other. As I outlined earlier, I get why it is a scary word but I can't help but feel we have cowarded (yes it is now a verb) out of saying it.
I have recently been talking with people via text messages and through facebook and have asked them to do things. Instead of telling me no they simply fail to reply.
How is this honouring? How does this communicate that I have value and worth to them?
Telling me no may disappoint me but it will not suggest a person doesn't care about me (unless of course the question was do you care about me? In which case it is pretty damning). Telling someone no conveys a respect that they at least deserve your honesty and acknowledgement. If I have to say no to you it is not because I am a jerk (although sometimes I am) but because I think highly enough of you as a person to let you know where I stand in regards to your proposition.
I don't like to say no but sometimes it is the only correct course of action.
If you love, honour and care for someone, no will end up being one of the most meaningful words in your vocabulary. Use it wisely.
Sunday, 21 August 2016
Man 'of God'
I wrote last time of me being asked the question of what it means to be a man of God. I guess it is about time to finish the thought and pontificate upon what it means to be a man of God.
I wonder if anyone feels qualified to talk about what it means to be a man/woman of God. The thought of answering that question honestly stirs up great feelings of inadequacy. I can't even figure out what it looks like to be a man properly let alone one who knows how to live a life worthy of God.
I guess that is it though, isn't it. Most people would think being a man/woman of God to mean a person who lives a holy, disciplined and devoted life that is worthy of God.
I think of the great Christian men and women who did amazing things in the name of God. Mother Teresa and her amazing gift of compassion. Martin Luther and his relentless pursuit of the truth of the word of God. The mystical intimacy of Teresa of Avila. The power and uncompromising nature of Smith Wigglesworth. These were people of God.
Are these the examples of what it means to be a person of God? If so, what are the qualities that make them of God?
It would seem that the qualities that made each of them of God were unique. So is it compassion that makes us men and women of God? Is it intellect, intimacy or power? Is it the express and overt manifestation of the Holy Spirit in our lives?
Each of these questions seem reasonable but on the wrong train of thought to me. Once more I cannot look past King David for my place to stand on this issue.
He was called a man after God's own heart. If there was ever a description given by God that a man was of Him, surely this was it. David wasn't interested in the blessings of God but his very heart.
I like this truth. David was a man of God.
I also like why he was a man of God. He sought after God's heart. To know and relate to God. That takes guts...and a serious conviction that God wanted to be known, not just understood.
It's a simple picture but no other biblical figure (outside of Jesus) reveals what it means to be a man/woman of God.
Do you want to know the best part of it all? David was an amazing man. A singer, leader, poet, musician, model (allow me the poetic license), soldier, shepherd and friend. He was the kind of guy you were envious of but liked to much to hate him for it.
I love David's strengths and gifts but I also find great comfort in his failings. As he was also a really broken man. He at some stage: lusted and committed adultery, masterminded a murder, alienate his wife, allowed his children to commit incest, murder and usurp his kingdom and failed to give appropriate succession plans at his passing.
David was a super "Christian" (again allow me the liberty of calling him a 'Christian') who had some amazing characteristics but they were not what made him a man of God.
Wigglesworth, Luther and the Teresa's were not men and women of God because they were gifted, they were men and women of God because they sort the heart of God.
So what does it mean to be a man of God?
To seek to know him.
I wonder if anyone feels qualified to talk about what it means to be a man/woman of God. The thought of answering that question honestly stirs up great feelings of inadequacy. I can't even figure out what it looks like to be a man properly let alone one who knows how to live a life worthy of God.
I guess that is it though, isn't it. Most people would think being a man/woman of God to mean a person who lives a holy, disciplined and devoted life that is worthy of God.
I think of the great Christian men and women who did amazing things in the name of God. Mother Teresa and her amazing gift of compassion. Martin Luther and his relentless pursuit of the truth of the word of God. The mystical intimacy of Teresa of Avila. The power and uncompromising nature of Smith Wigglesworth. These were people of God.
Are these the examples of what it means to be a person of God? If so, what are the qualities that make them of God?
It would seem that the qualities that made each of them of God were unique. So is it compassion that makes us men and women of God? Is it intellect, intimacy or power? Is it the express and overt manifestation of the Holy Spirit in our lives?
Each of these questions seem reasonable but on the wrong train of thought to me. Once more I cannot look past King David for my place to stand on this issue.
He was called a man after God's own heart. If there was ever a description given by God that a man was of Him, surely this was it. David wasn't interested in the blessings of God but his very heart.
I like this truth. David was a man of God.
I also like why he was a man of God. He sought after God's heart. To know and relate to God. That takes guts...and a serious conviction that God wanted to be known, not just understood.
It's a simple picture but no other biblical figure (outside of Jesus) reveals what it means to be a man/woman of God.
Do you want to know the best part of it all? David was an amazing man. A singer, leader, poet, musician, model (allow me the poetic license), soldier, shepherd and friend. He was the kind of guy you were envious of but liked to much to hate him for it.
I love David's strengths and gifts but I also find great comfort in his failings. As he was also a really broken man. He at some stage: lusted and committed adultery, masterminded a murder, alienate his wife, allowed his children to commit incest, murder and usurp his kingdom and failed to give appropriate succession plans at his passing.
David was a super "Christian" (again allow me the liberty of calling him a 'Christian') who had some amazing characteristics but they were not what made him a man of God.
Wigglesworth, Luther and the Teresa's were not men and women of God because they were gifted, they were men and women of God because they sort the heart of God.
So what does it mean to be a man of God?
To seek to know him.
Monday, 15 August 2016
Manhood (at least in some small part)
I kind of want to do two things with this post. I want to have fun but I also want to dig deep. Unfortunately I am not very good at doing both simultaneously. As such my expectation is a catastrophic failure to do both. *wish me luck*
Today, I got asked a great question by one of the kids I teach. He asked me what it looked like to be "a man of God". What Christian male hasn't wondered this at some stage of their life? (probably quite a few but for my sake lets pretend everybody has- interestingly 'pretend' is going to be a bit of a key word in this post).
I do have an answer to that question and it is not as black and white as I once saw it. I used to think being a man of God looked like something. Theologically speaking being a man of God looks like someone- Jesus Christ (for those of you who are not Christians I mean the man rather than the exclamation). This is, of course, an accurate and true statement but not necessarily the most accessible. Yes Jesus was (and still is) a man and he did everything on earth from the place of his humanity rather than his deity but it still feels like being the incarnate Son of God gives you a bit of a leg up. Kind of like being the 17 year old kid playing rugby against 7 year olds... I digress.
There is really two parts to the question of "what does it look like to be a man of God?". The first part is what does it look like to be a man. This is a big question for all males.
My dad stopped living with our family when I was 13. He was still around and was always very supportive but one of the things I remember having to do as I was turning 15, 16 & 17 was figure out what kind of man I wanted to be and what that even meant. I didn't have my dad around for those moments and so I had to find a role model or a mentor to imitate, to learn from. I don't like asking for help (as that makes me weak and needy) and I don't like to make myself vulnerable to people I actually need/want something from (I know! I'm not sure how I'm single either). So I decided I would look at the characteristics that I admired most from people I respected and seek to emulate those character traits. In the end my greatest teachers were literary characters, both fictitious and real.
To pain the picture a little more clearly, these are the men I admired:
Unfortunately they all lack one thing- I could never talk to them. I could only identify something in them. To me, Jesus is not the answer to manhood because he was the quintessential man (although true) but because he is always present with us. Jesus is the embodiment of manhood (and femininity also) because he shows us how to live as sons to the one who created us. He takes us back to the one who defines who we are.
Manhood is not about looking like other guys. It's about being who our Father created us to be. I recently read this quote from an author and prophet by the name of Larry Randolph.
Manhood is not some objective set of characteristics. Its about growing into the willingness to be known for who we were made to be....and to own it.
Each of the men I admire, I admire because they shine the beauty and purpose that God placed inside them. I am not called to be a king but I do believe I have been called to lead people and I hope to embody the leadership of Aragorn and King David. I may not have the eloquence of Yancey and Manning but I do love to talk about God and create opportunities for people to have an aesthetic experience of God. I do not have the mind and will of Paul but I long to be as single minded and passionate about the causes God would have me fight for. I am Nathan, son of God.
Today, I got asked a great question by one of the kids I teach. He asked me what it looked like to be "a man of God". What Christian male hasn't wondered this at some stage of their life? (probably quite a few but for my sake lets pretend everybody has- interestingly 'pretend' is going to be a bit of a key word in this post).
I do have an answer to that question and it is not as black and white as I once saw it. I used to think being a man of God looked like something. Theologically speaking being a man of God looks like someone- Jesus Christ (for those of you who are not Christians I mean the man rather than the exclamation). This is, of course, an accurate and true statement but not necessarily the most accessible. Yes Jesus was (and still is) a man and he did everything on earth from the place of his humanity rather than his deity but it still feels like being the incarnate Son of God gives you a bit of a leg up. Kind of like being the 17 year old kid playing rugby against 7 year olds... I digress.
There is really two parts to the question of "what does it look like to be a man of God?". The first part is what does it look like to be a man. This is a big question for all males.
My dad stopped living with our family when I was 13. He was still around and was always very supportive but one of the things I remember having to do as I was turning 15, 16 & 17 was figure out what kind of man I wanted to be and what that even meant. I didn't have my dad around for those moments and so I had to find a role model or a mentor to imitate, to learn from. I don't like asking for help (as that makes me weak and needy) and I don't like to make myself vulnerable to people I actually need/want something from (I know! I'm not sure how I'm single either). So I decided I would look at the characteristics that I admired most from people I respected and seek to emulate those character traits. In the end my greatest teachers were literary characters, both fictitious and real.
To pain the picture a little more clearly, these are the men I admired:
- Aragorn (Lord of the Rings)- Man of honour and valour. Lived by his convictions and died for those he believed in. A true man is self-sacrificing.
- Paul the Apostle (The Bible)- Bold, truth-driven and fierce. A man has convictions and stands up for what he believes in. Society does not sway a man, he sways society.
- Philip Yancey (Author)- Reflective, gentle, inquisitive. A man moved by grace understands his reliance and worth in God.
- Brennan Manning (Author and poet)- Broken, poetic, artistic. The brokenness of man reveals the depth of the love of God. A real man is honest, vulnerable and open.
- King David of Israel (The Bible)- Leader, prophet, king, courageous, capability personified. A man after God's own heart- yet an adulterer, murderer, coward and thief. A man is a complex mixture of abilities, gifts and shortcomings.
Unfortunately they all lack one thing- I could never talk to them. I could only identify something in them. To me, Jesus is not the answer to manhood because he was the quintessential man (although true) but because he is always present with us. Jesus is the embodiment of manhood (and femininity also) because he shows us how to live as sons to the one who created us. He takes us back to the one who defines who we are.
Manhood is not about looking like other guys. It's about being who our Father created us to be. I recently read this quote from an author and prophet by the name of Larry Randolph.
"Your ultimate purpose in life is achieved by being true to who you are, not by emulating the qualities you admire in others".
Manhood is not some objective set of characteristics. Its about growing into the willingness to be known for who we were made to be....and to own it.
Each of the men I admire, I admire because they shine the beauty and purpose that God placed inside them. I am not called to be a king but I do believe I have been called to lead people and I hope to embody the leadership of Aragorn and King David. I may not have the eloquence of Yancey and Manning but I do love to talk about God and create opportunities for people to have an aesthetic experience of God. I do not have the mind and will of Paul but I long to be as single minded and passionate about the causes God would have me fight for. I am Nathan, son of God.
Leadership
I noticed something very simple about leadership tonight.
A good leader will be best identified by how little they are missed when they are gone.
Or to put it more positively- their influence upon those they have led will be sufficient to cover their absence once they have moved on.
Good leaders reproduce good leaders.
A good leader will be best identified by how little they are missed when they are gone.
Or to put it more positively- their influence upon those they have led will be sufficient to cover their absence once they have moved on.
Good leaders reproduce good leaders.
Tuesday, 26 July 2016
Man or Mouse (The Groucho Marx Test)
I like watching Marx Brothers movies. I particularly love "A Night at the Opera" and there is a line in it where a man asks Groucho if he is "a man or a mouse". Groucho's response is "put a piece a cheese down and we'll find out". I like Groucho.
Last week I finally got my finger out of the splint it had been in for 8 weeks prior. It was a wonderful moment if only for the fact I could now shower without putting my hand in a plastic bag. It was a rather daunting experience though as for 8 weeks I was not allowed to bend the final joint on my finger (or I'd have to start the 8 weeks again). So when it came out of the splint and my OT said bend it, I was a little hesitant.
How did I hurt it in the first place I hear you ask? (I know you didn't ask but play along for me). I hurt it by catching a ball. It was a very simple thing. I caught the ball cleanly except that it gently flicked the end of my middle finger. It didn't hurt and I didn't notice anything was wrong until I took the goalkeeping glove I was using off. I then noticed that it was at right angles to the rest of my finger and I couldn't straighten it. I have a photo if you'd like to see it.
Last week I finally got my finger out of the splint it had been in for 8 weeks prior. It was a wonderful moment if only for the fact I could now shower without putting my hand in a plastic bag. It was a rather daunting experience though as for 8 weeks I was not allowed to bend the final joint on my finger (or I'd have to start the 8 weeks again). So when it came out of the splint and my OT said bend it, I was a little hesitant.
How did I hurt it in the first place I hear you ask? (I know you didn't ask but play along for me). I hurt it by catching a ball. It was a very simple thing. I caught the ball cleanly except that it gently flicked the end of my middle finger. It didn't hurt and I didn't notice anything was wrong until I took the goalkeeping glove I was using off. I then noticed that it was at right angles to the rest of my finger and I couldn't straighten it. I have a photo if you'd like to see it.
The truth is that even though my finger was out of shape it didn't hurt. After I got the splint off and I was asked to use it again, my finger hurt a bit but I found myself incredibly uncomfortable with it.
I realised that it would have been easier and less confronting for me to simply leave my finger with a tip that was lame. It caused me no pain and with a simple cosmetic piece of tape I could have it look like everything was fine. Instead I was immobilised for 8 weeks and left with an uncomfortable and confronting amount of rehabilitation to do.
As I thought of this dynamic I realised that my finger was representative of my life. I know it sounds corny but my attitude towards my finger is exactly how I feel about all of my pain.
It is easier for me to live with my dysfunction because it causes me no great deal of pain. In fact the thought of being immobilised for a time followed by a painful, uncomfortable and confronting rehabilitation scares the life out of me. My heart has been bent out of shape more severely than my finger and I have become very comfortable cosmetically covering it with a variety of 'tape'. The truth is that my heart suffered a great deal of pain when it was wounded and I am petrified of the amount of pain and discomfort a rehabilitation would create. I am rendered spineless by the reality of facing and returning to that pain.
Maybe Groucho was simply being insightful. As I have days where I feel as though life lays the cheese that is the fear of the depth of my pain and asks are you a man or a mouse?
My response?
I eat the cheese and scamper back to my hole in the wall wondering whether one day I will be a man again.
Fear should never dictate action. One day the Holy Spirit will help me find the strength to stand on that....one day.
Tuesday, 28 June 2016
Control
As you may have guessed, I am not a consistent blogger. I don't know how people write all the time. If I have nothing to talk about I can't just make something up...at least nothing that I think would be read-worthy.
I established last post that I have been burned out for a while. The result is that I am a bit of a mess... and not a hot one. Here's the third thing you should know about me, I like to be in control. I'm not an alpha male but I like to control my environment so as to feel safe. I imagine most people have some kind of social control mechanism. Mine is to stay silent with people I don't know- what I don't say they can't judge me with. Of course in my head I am judging them like a mad man. With people I do know I have carefully measured who I can be around them so as to remain in control of my own self-worth. It's an efficient system but it is just that, a system.
Growing up, I liked that I had a strong sense of right and wrong. It grounded me. If someone swore, lied or stole I knew what they were doing was wrong. Here's the problem though. Well, the first problem. I didn't just judge their behaviours, I would judge the person for those behaviours. For example, little Johnny stole drink from the store, the stealing was wrong but Johnny was now a person who shouldn't be trusted or followed because he was a thief. Here's my point- I mistook behaviour for character.
There have been key people in my life who have done some really hurtful things. Usually you work through it and move on but sometimes its an action that carries extra significance. It's a behaviour that carries extra special judgment. It's the action that you abhor, it's the behaviour that can only have one conclusion. A person that does this, deserves the due penalty for their crime. I think everyone has an unforgivable sin. For me it was always adultery. I couldn't comprehend such an act. A commitment was a commitment and a relationship was sacred, intimate and chaste.
What does all of this have to do with control? Strong systems, strong external frameworks make me feel safe. They help me to approach life with a sense of knowing what is what and how things should be. They help feel in control of my surroundings. More accurately, they help me feel in control of my own actions in my surroundings. I think that is a part of why Christianity was appealing to me as a child. Outside of the boring talks and atonal singing, I liked that it gave very simple and practicable ways to approach life. Something happened though. I found that I really loved this God my systems pointed me to. In fact, I loved that I could find passion in expressing a sense of commitment to a God who I could know sacredly, intimately and with chastity. My world of systems, of clearly defined actions and behaviours, enabled a safe way to approach an infinite God. It was marvellous.
Here's the problem. My systems became the basis of my relationship and my behaviours became its currency. When I behaved well, I expected reward. When I behaved poorly, I expected punishment. This is not an unusual approach but it is an unhelpful one. Any relationship that is based upon the behavioural standard of its participants is doomed to fail. Not because these behaviours are unimportant but because inevitably one party will not be able to live up to the expectation of the other. This is what happened between God and myself.
After a few years of service I expected reward. God did not follow through on a very specific part of this demand. My reaction to this unmet expectation was that I found my heart flailing and I broke the covenant. I took what was sacred, intimate and chaste (at least in my mind) and tainted it with the brush of broken, faithless behaviour. I lacked the commitment required of a covenantal person. For want of a better way of putting it, I had become an adulterer towards God.
As a result of the judgment I had placed upon adulterers (and now myself), all of my systems failed, my control disappeared and my self-worth fractured. I couldn't relate to God or others because I had no safety net. I had no systems that would secure me. But do you want to know the hardest part of the entire process? Not being in control of how other people saw/see me. Being exposed as a man of failed character. Remember, behaviour was character. Trusting a God who hurt me and not taking back control by building new systems.
I think this is why the Lordship of Christ is so important. It's not because he is a megalomaniac who needs to be in charge. I think it is because we can't truly be in a relationship with others when we are playing mind games of control and power. I think that is why Jesus is so confronting to me. He doesn't relate to me through the guise of control. He isn't looking to protect something. He isn't concerned about how he is perceived because he knows that if given the chance he will reveal himself accurately. Jesus doesn't want to be Lord in our relationship because he needs control, he wants to be Lord because we need him to be in order to fully experience the freedom of his acceptance and love.
This is a long one. Sorry about that. My thoughts are not well refined (I write this so as to help me articulate my thoughts more accurately). If you have any thoughts, let me know. I'd be interested to hear your take on it all.
I established last post that I have been burned out for a while. The result is that I am a bit of a mess... and not a hot one. Here's the third thing you should know about me, I like to be in control. I'm not an alpha male but I like to control my environment so as to feel safe. I imagine most people have some kind of social control mechanism. Mine is to stay silent with people I don't know- what I don't say they can't judge me with. Of course in my head I am judging them like a mad man. With people I do know I have carefully measured who I can be around them so as to remain in control of my own self-worth. It's an efficient system but it is just that, a system.
Growing up, I liked that I had a strong sense of right and wrong. It grounded me. If someone swore, lied or stole I knew what they were doing was wrong. Here's the problem though. Well, the first problem. I didn't just judge their behaviours, I would judge the person for those behaviours. For example, little Johnny stole drink from the store, the stealing was wrong but Johnny was now a person who shouldn't be trusted or followed because he was a thief. Here's my point- I mistook behaviour for character.
There have been key people in my life who have done some really hurtful things. Usually you work through it and move on but sometimes its an action that carries extra significance. It's a behaviour that carries extra special judgment. It's the action that you abhor, it's the behaviour that can only have one conclusion. A person that does this, deserves the due penalty for their crime. I think everyone has an unforgivable sin. For me it was always adultery. I couldn't comprehend such an act. A commitment was a commitment and a relationship was sacred, intimate and chaste.
What does all of this have to do with control? Strong systems, strong external frameworks make me feel safe. They help me to approach life with a sense of knowing what is what and how things should be. They help feel in control of my surroundings. More accurately, they help me feel in control of my own actions in my surroundings. I think that is a part of why Christianity was appealing to me as a child. Outside of the boring talks and atonal singing, I liked that it gave very simple and practicable ways to approach life. Something happened though. I found that I really loved this God my systems pointed me to. In fact, I loved that I could find passion in expressing a sense of commitment to a God who I could know sacredly, intimately and with chastity. My world of systems, of clearly defined actions and behaviours, enabled a safe way to approach an infinite God. It was marvellous.
Here's the problem. My systems became the basis of my relationship and my behaviours became its currency. When I behaved well, I expected reward. When I behaved poorly, I expected punishment. This is not an unusual approach but it is an unhelpful one. Any relationship that is based upon the behavioural standard of its participants is doomed to fail. Not because these behaviours are unimportant but because inevitably one party will not be able to live up to the expectation of the other. This is what happened between God and myself.
After a few years of service I expected reward. God did not follow through on a very specific part of this demand. My reaction to this unmet expectation was that I found my heart flailing and I broke the covenant. I took what was sacred, intimate and chaste (at least in my mind) and tainted it with the brush of broken, faithless behaviour. I lacked the commitment required of a covenantal person. For want of a better way of putting it, I had become an adulterer towards God.
As a result of the judgment I had placed upon adulterers (and now myself), all of my systems failed, my control disappeared and my self-worth fractured. I couldn't relate to God or others because I had no safety net. I had no systems that would secure me. But do you want to know the hardest part of the entire process? Not being in control of how other people saw/see me. Being exposed as a man of failed character. Remember, behaviour was character. Trusting a God who hurt me and not taking back control by building new systems.
I think this is why the Lordship of Christ is so important. It's not because he is a megalomaniac who needs to be in charge. I think it is because we can't truly be in a relationship with others when we are playing mind games of control and power. I think that is why Jesus is so confronting to me. He doesn't relate to me through the guise of control. He isn't looking to protect something. He isn't concerned about how he is perceived because he knows that if given the chance he will reveal himself accurately. Jesus doesn't want to be Lord in our relationship because he needs control, he wants to be Lord because we need him to be in order to fully experience the freedom of his acceptance and love.
This is a long one. Sorry about that. My thoughts are not well refined (I write this so as to help me articulate my thoughts more accurately). If you have any thoughts, let me know. I'd be interested to hear your take on it all.
Sunday, 5 June 2016
Some back story....followed by some front story
A second post is most unexpected.
I should declare straight away that I am a Christian. A lot of what I reflect upon will be based around God and through the lens of Christianity.
About 3 years ago I suffered burn out. It turns out that this burn out was significant and life altering for me. Just not in a good way. It's details are unnecessary at this point in time except to say that I was in, and was further seeking, a life in pastoral ministry. As a result of the emotional distress of said burn out I removed myself from all ministry. The last but very important detail was that I burned out because I felt that God had disqualified me, that God had measured me and would not use me to help people. The vision for my future was done. I fell into a depressive, anxious hole full of self-loathing and hopelessness. (I would love to say that I am exaggerating but that is how I felt).
This leads into tonight. A good friend of mine finished his tenure as the associate pastor of a church he had served in for 12 or so years. It was an awesome night and the legacy of his impact was evidenced by the hundreds of people who turned up for it. It was emotional, insightful and enjoyable.
It was also the juxtaposition of my failed ministry dreams.
Therefore at the time I should have been celebrating his life and work, I could only reflect upon myself (something that is all to frequent sadly). I reflected on the effect that he has had on all of these people and how I have not impacted a single person. That his life in ministry was a huge success and that I felt disqualified from mine. That he had been lauded for his personality, charisma and dedication and that I contained little to none of those qualities. I guess I felt the anger, sadness and confusion of my own disqualification.
Actions speak louder than words. Dedication and commitment over time speak love and care. Competency and authenticity breed approval and trust. Much of this can be reduced to simple factors but my questions remain. Does God favour one man over another? Is it just a seasonal idea? Are some people convinced they are more significant and capable than they truly are?
I have no answers to these questions, I just have responses. I don't know if God favours my friend over me or if he was in a season of blessing while I was in a season of hardship. I certainly don't know if I am deluded by my own sense of self-importance. All I know is that I am really glad my friend is a great man worth honouring, that my past does not dictate my future and that God really does have a plan and purpose for my life.
I don't know how to comprehend my current circumstances and the wiser I become the less I understand but I only really have one choice- to trust God. I know there is a second option where I do life my way. Been there, done that. Over the last few years I decided to be in charge of my own destiny. All I can say is I make an horrific god.
It's time for a change of management.
I should declare straight away that I am a Christian. A lot of what I reflect upon will be based around God and through the lens of Christianity.
About 3 years ago I suffered burn out. It turns out that this burn out was significant and life altering for me. Just not in a good way. It's details are unnecessary at this point in time except to say that I was in, and was further seeking, a life in pastoral ministry. As a result of the emotional distress of said burn out I removed myself from all ministry. The last but very important detail was that I burned out because I felt that God had disqualified me, that God had measured me and would not use me to help people. The vision for my future was done. I fell into a depressive, anxious hole full of self-loathing and hopelessness. (I would love to say that I am exaggerating but that is how I felt).
This leads into tonight. A good friend of mine finished his tenure as the associate pastor of a church he had served in for 12 or so years. It was an awesome night and the legacy of his impact was evidenced by the hundreds of people who turned up for it. It was emotional, insightful and enjoyable.
It was also the juxtaposition of my failed ministry dreams.
Therefore at the time I should have been celebrating his life and work, I could only reflect upon myself (something that is all to frequent sadly). I reflected on the effect that he has had on all of these people and how I have not impacted a single person. That his life in ministry was a huge success and that I felt disqualified from mine. That he had been lauded for his personality, charisma and dedication and that I contained little to none of those qualities. I guess I felt the anger, sadness and confusion of my own disqualification.
Actions speak louder than words. Dedication and commitment over time speak love and care. Competency and authenticity breed approval and trust. Much of this can be reduced to simple factors but my questions remain. Does God favour one man over another? Is it just a seasonal idea? Are some people convinced they are more significant and capable than they truly are?
I have no answers to these questions, I just have responses. I don't know if God favours my friend over me or if he was in a season of blessing while I was in a season of hardship. I certainly don't know if I am deluded by my own sense of self-importance. All I know is that I am really glad my friend is a great man worth honouring, that my past does not dictate my future and that God really does have a plan and purpose for my life.
I don't know how to comprehend my current circumstances and the wiser I become the less I understand but I only really have one choice- to trust God. I know there is a second option where I do life my way. Been there, done that. Over the last few years I decided to be in charge of my own destiny. All I can say is I make an horrific god.
It's time for a change of management.
Thursday, 2 June 2016
Disappointment (or Why Dick Van Dyke haunts my dreams)
I guess this is for me. Ultimately it has to be. Not because I am selfish (although true) but because I have no expectation of others reading this. I have no platform to express my thoughts and this seems as good a place as any. So here we are dear imaginary reader....here we are.
I want to say that I have known disappointment but I can't. Not in any true or significant sense of the word. Let me give you some context.
I love to play football, or as the heathens know it- Soccer. Soccer...such a bastardization of language. Strangely intense opinions on small matters aside, I have been playing in goals of late. It is actually quite fun and I had a really good game two weeks ago. In saying this I did have one significant problem. I pulled a tendon off the back of my finger (middle left in case you are wondering) and ended up with what is commonly called a mallet finger. The end of this story is that my finger is in a splint for the next 8 weeks and I couldn't play in goals anymore.
Next week I played on the field. This was fine as I was once a very good outfield player and I enjoyed the chance to get out and run around. The irony, however, was that my finger was going to become the least of my worries. In a twist of Shakespearian qualities (I'm exaggerating but it helps my desire to be somewhat dramatic) my knee and I had a falling out. My knee wanted to settle down, establish itself and maybe one day have kids but I wanted to move on, explore life and extend myself. Needless to say I moved to the left, it moved to the right and as in any relationship breakdown somebody gets caught in the middle. That was my ACL which I tore the right off the bone.
This is disappointing. It marks the final nail in the coffin of my youth. This last year has seen a few nails get driven in. The first was my thinning hair line, the second the absence of any desire to leave my home on a Saturday night and the third was noticing all of my friends now listen to AM talk back radio. Next will be my ever increasing waist line followed by an astounding urge to watch Matlock. Dick Van Dyke's appeal grows ever ominously upon the horizon. It haunts my dreams...
Disappointment...that's right. I was complaining about how I have suffered my share of disappointment and how life is hard as a result. Then the people I talked with opened their mouths. One was homeless due to a falling out with family. Another was experiencing the reality of losing someone through cancer. Yet another knew only what life was like when viewed through the lens of anxiety and depression. I just needed crutches to walk and had a hand that was permanently flipping people off. I'm fortunate when you think about it- one of my afflictions at least expressed how I felt. Yeah I have faced disappointment and yes disappointment is a personal thing based upon hopes, dreams and expectations for life. But I have not known great disappointment. At least not through the overt passing of my youth or the physical breakdown of my body.
My disappointment is real but it is not significant. I have faced much more significant disappointment in my life but that's a story for another day. So what is the point or moral of this story?
I guess it is that this is the standard you can expect from my blog. A poorly written, slightly rambling piece of literature that attempts but never reaches the height of what it means to be insightful or a good writer. But damn am I good at self-deprecation.
I want to say that I have known disappointment but I can't. Not in any true or significant sense of the word. Let me give you some context.
I love to play football, or as the heathens know it- Soccer. Soccer...such a bastardization of language. Strangely intense opinions on small matters aside, I have been playing in goals of late. It is actually quite fun and I had a really good game two weeks ago. In saying this I did have one significant problem. I pulled a tendon off the back of my finger (middle left in case you are wondering) and ended up with what is commonly called a mallet finger. The end of this story is that my finger is in a splint for the next 8 weeks and I couldn't play in goals anymore.
Next week I played on the field. This was fine as I was once a very good outfield player and I enjoyed the chance to get out and run around. The irony, however, was that my finger was going to become the least of my worries. In a twist of Shakespearian qualities (I'm exaggerating but it helps my desire to be somewhat dramatic) my knee and I had a falling out. My knee wanted to settle down, establish itself and maybe one day have kids but I wanted to move on, explore life and extend myself. Needless to say I moved to the left, it moved to the right and as in any relationship breakdown somebody gets caught in the middle. That was my ACL which I tore the right off the bone.
This is disappointing. It marks the final nail in the coffin of my youth. This last year has seen a few nails get driven in. The first was my thinning hair line, the second the absence of any desire to leave my home on a Saturday night and the third was noticing all of my friends now listen to AM talk back radio. Next will be my ever increasing waist line followed by an astounding urge to watch Matlock. Dick Van Dyke's appeal grows ever ominously upon the horizon. It haunts my dreams...
Disappointment...that's right. I was complaining about how I have suffered my share of disappointment and how life is hard as a result. Then the people I talked with opened their mouths. One was homeless due to a falling out with family. Another was experiencing the reality of losing someone through cancer. Yet another knew only what life was like when viewed through the lens of anxiety and depression. I just needed crutches to walk and had a hand that was permanently flipping people off. I'm fortunate when you think about it- one of my afflictions at least expressed how I felt. Yeah I have faced disappointment and yes disappointment is a personal thing based upon hopes, dreams and expectations for life. But I have not known great disappointment. At least not through the overt passing of my youth or the physical breakdown of my body.
My disappointment is real but it is not significant. I have faced much more significant disappointment in my life but that's a story for another day. So what is the point or moral of this story?
I guess it is that this is the standard you can expect from my blog. A poorly written, slightly rambling piece of literature that attempts but never reaches the height of what it means to be insightful or a good writer. But damn am I good at self-deprecation.
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